Stick a Fork in Me, I'm Done....

It sure been a while.  I disappeared for quite some time because I got tired of talking about this all the time.  I felt, and feel, like we are no longer people but just machines and any time people talked to us the only thing they talk about is this.  Don't get me wrong, I do like to vent and discuss it quite often but sometimes you need to escape and feel normal again. 

You really haven't missed much since the last posts.  Just the usual: shots, blood work, ultrasounds, tears, heartache, negative tests, periods, emotional break downs, and so on.  You can just press repeat of that last sentence over and over again and you are caught up on everything to date. 

As for the latest and greatest, last night I started spotting, like clock work, and knew it was only a matter of time until I started full flow. Dave insisted I take my progesterone last night but as the bed time drew closer it started getting heavier and I know continuing progesterone is only prolonging the full flow. I took a test last night just to prove to him it wasn't a fluke and show him it was ok to not continue my progesterone. It was negative, as I knew it would be. I hate to say it but I am tapping out. I can take no more. I am emotionally, physically and mentally spent. My body and my mind are drained and I just can't put myself through any more.

I am shockingly "ok" with the outcome though. They say over time you become numb to pain; I think I have finally hit that point. It's a scary and sad realization to be a fertility case. I remember starting this whole thing 10 months ago. I talked about it like it was just a chapter out of my life, something we would look back and laugh at, something that was just a story, something that would be forgotten about quicker than it was brought up. This isn't just "trouble conceiving" and isn't not happening because we are "trying so hard". This doesn't seem to be something that will be fixed when we "stop trying". This is a real life problem, this is reality.

Dave and I are going to take a hiatus from it all and revisit it at some point. We are going to start doing our homework and research on where to go for IVF and more importantly, how to finance it. I'm not done forever, I hope. I am just done for now.

A Ticking Time Bomb...

Boy its been a while. Let's play a little catch-up...My single follicle did in fact grow to be 20mm, fully mature and was ready to go!!   I have been in my 2 week wait ("2WW") since having my IUI on Wednesday, August 24th.  I always seem to fall quiet in that period simply because I really have nothing to update on.
The IUI was performed by my actual endrocronologost which was kind of nice. I got to talk to him and express my concerns and ask about how many cycles we have left on IUI before bring written off as an IUI patient and shipped off to the never never land of IVF.  He is such a kind an reassuring man. Plus has a gentle touch which is a major plus when it comes to administering the IUI. He let me know that Dave and I will be getting more IUI cycles than the "typical" infertility case because of my diagnosis. With hypothymalic amenoreah I do not produce the hormones on my own therefore I have no chance of conceiving on my own so all of our attempts are while in their care. Having only a 20% chance at best per cycle, they tend to be a little more lenient with us. It was a relief to hear this but also not simply because I'm ready for this to work already and really don't want to go to IVF. I truly don't know how we will afford it if it comes to that. Money is tight right now as it is with all the Dr visits, labs and medications. How can I afford another $15,000 on top of that???
This 2WW was a lot easier than normal for some reason. It went by like a blink of an eye and I was rather positive. While all of the women on my forums were bitter about Beyonce's baby news, I was rather happy for her. I went shopping, twice, for an upcoming baby shower...and did it with joy! It's all started to turn slowly in the last dew days though. My mood has been rather down and the pressure is finally getting to me.
The 2WW has its ups and downs. The negatives are known far too well to anyone undergoing fertility treatment. There is anxiety, hope, worry, disappointment, fear....the list goes on forever.  But there are positives too though; during those 2 weeks you almost feel normal again. There is no blood work, no Dr appointments, no shots...nothing. Well, except for the lovely progesterone suppositories which are a breeze compared to the rest of the junk!
I'm know a great part of my mood is contributed to the nerves of the up coming days. It's now so close and inevitable and that terrifies me. I feel like a ticking time bomb just watching the minutes fly by. Tomorrow marks 2 weeks exactly since my IUI and I am NOT looking forward to the rest of the week. I'm so nervous because I know its only a matter of time now until the truth comes out. I feel no different, as usual, and am so afraid of yet another big fat negative. My boob's aren't sore or swollen, I'm not sick, I never had spotting or cramping indicating implantation....big fat NADA going on as far as symptoms. I am scheduled to take an HPT on Friday, that is if I don't start my period first. If this cycle is anything like the others I will start either tomorrow or Thursday.
This single follie and I had a lot of talks about how it was going to need to shine and hog the attention of all the swimmers that came to visit....invite one in and ask it to stay! I think that these conversations are coming to and end and I am going to have to have talks with some new ones in the upcoming cycle.
I do all my mixing for the injections on a glass cutting board on the kitchen counter. I usually don't keep it out unless we are doing shots but for some reason never put it away during this 2WW. This afternoon I was washing up the counters and thought "I should put this stupid thing away" and then instantly thought "whats the point...I'm going to have to pull it out in a few days anyway to start mixing again". Gawd...I hate infertility!
This weekend is my brother-in-law's girlriends baby shower. My mother-in-law says I shouldn't go if I start my period or if I get yet another big fat negative. She says its too much to take in and she refuses to let me go through that. While I understand where she is coming from and appreciate her concern I feel I need to go regardless. We have not had the best relationship with them since their pregnancy and I feel I need to go to show them I am a good person and I really do care. Regardless of what has happened since their pregnancy announcement that is still my nephew in there and he's just a baby. He's innocent and he didn't do anything in this situation. They didn't get pregnant to intentionally hurt us and most importantly he doesn't deserve to be any less spoiled just because of our situation, even if his name is going to be the name we picked out for our own child years back. I am going to love that baby like no other, I'm sure of it. I just have to get past the sting of the fact that babies have been made and born and we are still only trying.
I'm sure I'm babbling so I will cut myself off. My brain is fried, its 11:00 pm, I'm drained but can't sleep or turn off my brain and its insanely hot and sticky! That is never a winning combination. It's only a matter of time till I post again...

A Blank Screen and a Flashing Cursor...

I must have sat here for 10  minute thinking about what to write.  There are times in the day when the thoughts flow freely and writing seems effortless but now is not one of those times.  I tend to hit a wall and not post anything because my mind is simply blank.  I think this is a result of over stimulating my mind with everything that is going on.  I find I spend a lot of my time on the fertility forum I had spoken of previously and talking to the amazing friends I have already made from there.  They never sit in silence when I complain or vent and they cheer you on when you feel you can no longer root for your self.  Its a great support and I am thankful to have stumbled across it.

This weekend was particularly rough.  Your probably scratching your head thinking, what...more than normal?  Well the answer to that is yes.  This weekend was more rough than normal, or at least just as bad as the rest!  We had an appointment on Saturday for more blood work and another ultrasound.  Dave wanted to go.  He hasn't been able to attend one visit this cycle due to his work schedule but I wanted him to stay home and sleep in.  The man works the most insane hours you can imagine.  Why should he get up at 6:00 to attend an appointment I can just come home and tell him about?  I knew that when the alarm went off in the morning, he wouldn't wake up so I snuck out of the house before I disturbed him.

My levels on Saturday were up to 203.  Quite a jump from the crash to 123. But regardless still only showed the one follicle. We had six just a few days past. How did we lose all but one and how is that fair? I guess I should be grateful that one hang on but now it seems to have stopped growing. We are upping the dose again in an attempt to kick start it again and get it to that mature size we need.

Shockingly enough that wasn't the worst of the worst from the appointment. When talking to the Dr and expressing my concerns, she too had her own. She fears there is something else going on in there that is keeping the egg and the sperm from joining. They don't know what it would be and can't really fix it with any other way than IVF where they actually fertilize the egg themselves. She is fearful we are headed down that road...not as much as I am of course.

Dave and I had a bbq to go to that day as well. I cried when I got home, I cried on the drive to Long Beach while we argued the whole time about money and affording this nightmare. I cried when I got to my moms. I'm a big blubbering idiot all because I don't know how on earth we will ever have children if we have to pay $15,000 for one IVF treatment...

Vanishing Act....

I know I haven't been very good at updating this thing lately. That's for a few reasons. One I have been busy at work. Two I have been busy cheering my fellow infertility friends on in our forum. Three I have been building relationships and surrounding myself with others who are going through the same things in an effort to comfort myself and have a support group that really understands what I am going through. And last but not least, I have been trying to digest what's going on in my body and my life.

Since the last cycle which resulted in a big fat negative, I have started up injections again and attacking this monster head on. I had a different attitude this time. I told myself, everyone, my body, and the man upstairs that THIS was my time to shine. THIS was my cycle and THIS time I will end up with a big fat positive! I have had several conversations with my body (I know your thinking I've officially lost my mind this time) about how well we are going to do this time. It seemed to be working.

I started injections again last Wednesday and went in for my first E2 (estrogen) levels on Monday. My levels came in at 163....great strong start!!! They asked me to come back Tuesday for more blood and an ultrasound to see how those babies were cooking. Tuesday the levels increased to 185 and the ultrasound showed 6 follicles maturing nicely and evenly. They were ranging from 7-11mm in size (fully natured is roughly 18mm) and none seemed to be hogging the food (estrogen).

In an effort to keep me from hyper stimulating again we reduced my meds from 1.5 vials a day to 1 vial and return today (2 days later) to see.how it was producing. She was really iffy about keeping me at 1 and was actually contemplating dropping me all the way down to 0.5 vials but didn't want to have me suddenly drop. She said keeping me at 1 should be fine and IF I did start to hyper stimulate they should be able to catch it in two days.

Well... I went in this morning for my E2 labs and like clock work I got the email around 9:45 from kaiser saying I had new lab results ready.  I rushed over to KP.org in a frantic to see the results.  I was hoping it wasn't something like 500 validating hyper stimulation!  Little did I know I hoped a little too much maybe.  When I logged on and saw that my labs went from 164 to 185 and then took a major dump to 123 my heart sank.  It felt like I was trying to swallow a bowling ball.  I obviously instantly panicked but tried to calm myself until I had proof from the ultrasound this afternoon.  That ended up not really helping though.  

When the Dr walked in she said neither one of us could say a word to each other until she was completed with my ultrasound. She must have known the anxiety festering inside of me without me even having to say a word.    I agreed to her rules.... against my will.  

This isn't my first rodeo and I know my way around an ultrasound like no body's business.  You would never guess I was in commercial real estate and not the medical field :)  We started with the right...as always. From what I could see there was only one mature follie. I kept quiet though and waited.  On the left....absolutely nada.  

I was devastated.  I took a major spiral down and lost all of them but one f.  I don't understand why I am being tortured like this!!  The Dr said when she saw my numbers she assumed this was a likely possibility.  Apparently the other follicles all got together and had dinner the other night and decided they no longer wanted to participate in the game this go.  They gave all of their estrogen to "big mamma" who has now taken the lead and is hogging it all to herself.  She is at 15mm....a great size but still only ONE none the less.  

We upped my dosage to 1.5 vials again in efforts to keep the one viable. I will return Saturday for another round of E2's and a new ultrasound to determine my fait for this.cycle. 

I cried the whole drive back to work.  I feel defeated.  I am scared for a number of reasons. One I think about last cycle and having had 5 eggies....5 of them and not one of them took. If I couldn't do it with those chances how am I going to be able to now? And two I am scared to use and lose another cycle on one follicle. I only have a number of IUI (artificial insimination and medication) before they cut me off, apologize immensely, and wish me the best of luck with IVF.  What do I do?!?!?!

I feel I need a friend and some serious comfort so bad. Dave tries and is really good at calming me down but to be quite frank he doesn't seem as passionate about this as I am. He wants a child badly but is totally ok with it being just the two of us if it doesn't work out. Your probably thinking to yourself that's the best and most romantic thing you have heard and yes, it is but I want a baby and a family with him. I want us to create a life out of the love we have for one another.  I want us to.be old and gray sitting in out.rocking chairs watching our.grandchildren torment their parents as bad as we did ours. I married the man of my dreams and I want to share our love by creating a life. But I also want him to be as miserable about the situation as I am right now.  Yes, I know I sound like such a brat right now but its just how I feel.

I guess only time will tell how this chapter unfolds. So until Saturday and until I have been proven otherwise, I am going to keep telling myself it only takes one good egg to make our miracle baby...

Another Disappointment…

Many of you probably think that we are in the middle of a cancelled cycle, because that’s what we told everyone.  The truth is Dave and I went through a whole complete cycle, trigger shot, insemination and all.  We decided not to tell anyone because I didn’t want to be hounded and constantly asked how I was feeling, if I had started my period or if I had tested yet.

This morning I took a HPT and the result was negative.  I started my period this afternoon and am now waiting on a call back from the Dr. to find out if I am coming in for an ultrasound today and starting shots tonight.   

I am discouraged. I am disappointed, crushed, devastated and heart broken.  There were five mature follicles before the trigger.  All I wanted was just one to be fertalized.  If I couldn’t fertilize just one egg when I had so many to begin with how am I ever going to be able to get pregnant?   

The tears are coming and going.  I wish I was at home laying on the couch with my pup and a blanket crying my eyes out.  That would make me feel better right now…  

All Appendages Crossed.....

I think it's about time Dave and I have some good luck with this.  What do you say?

I had my blood work done this morning and my estrogen levels are up from 253, yesterday, to 412, today.  While my blood work may say there is activity going on it all means nothing to me until I see in the ultrasound what was really happening inside that baby house.

The lining of my uterus wasn't as thick as she had hopped but she says I still need at least 3 more days of injections to fully mature the follicles.  Hopefully in that time the lining will thicken to their liking and the stars will begin to align.  My right ovary is the dominate one.  Its always produced more follicles than the left and this time was no different, not that I mind in this case.  There are four follicles maturing on the right side and only one on the greedy left.  That's right girls and boys....a total of five maturing follicles this cycle!

In an effort to continue to mature the five follicles that have already been called to the pitching mound, but also not recruit any more which would cause me to hyper-stimulate again and make them cancel the cycle, we are tapering back our medication to one vial tonight and half a vial tomorrow.  Saturday we will be returning for more blood and another ultrasound.

Hold that thought....my alarm is annoyingly beeping in the background reminding me it is time to stick myself....


Alright, now that that's taken care of.  Where was I?  I begged my Dr. not to cancel this cycle when we see her Saturday.  Hopefully when we go in we will still be in the "safe" zone and they will let us proceed which will in turn give us something even better to look forward to.

I am crossing everything I have.  Please cross all your appendages for us too....

So Far So Good....

I had my blood drawn this morning and my estrogen came back at 253, just the perfect number!  I continued with two vials of FSH again tonight.  Tomorrow morning I will be going for more blood wok and will be following up in the afternoon with an ultrasound to see if and how many follicles are maturing.  I am hoping for some magic here!!

Other than that I have no more "news" to report.  I did however catch the last hour of The Proposal staring Ryan Reynolds and Sandra Bullock while running at the gym this afternoon.  It is quite possibly the most adorable movie I have seen in a long time, well....so was Life as We Knew It.  Anyway...if you haven't seen it, I highly recommend it.  I am a total softie and love chick flicks that make your heart skip a beat and force a grin from ear to ear so keep that in mind before opening a new tab on your internet and adding it to your Netflix que.  Ryan Reynolds is a stud (not nearly as good looking as you Dave, if you happen to read this) and Sandra Bullock is adorable!  Its just a good ol' fashion love story for us hopeless romantics...