It sure been a while. I disappeared for quite some time because I got tired of talking about this all the time. I felt, and feel, like we are no longer people but just machines and any time people talked to us the only thing they talk about is this. Don't get me wrong, I do like to vent and discuss it quite often but sometimes you need to escape and feel normal again.
You really haven't missed much since the last posts. Just the usual: shots, blood work, ultrasounds, tears, heartache, negative tests, periods, emotional break downs, and so on. You can just press repeat of that last sentence over and over again and you are caught up on everything to date.
As for the latest and greatest, last night I started spotting, like clock work, and knew it was only a matter of time until I started full flow. Dave insisted I take my progesterone last night but as the bed time drew closer it started getting heavier and I know continuing progesterone is only prolonging the full flow. I took a test last night just to prove to him it wasn't a fluke and show him it was ok to not continue my progesterone. It was negative, as I knew it would be. I hate to say it but I am tapping out. I can take no more. I am emotionally, physically and mentally spent. My body and my mind are drained and I just can't put myself through any more.
I am shockingly "ok" with the outcome though. They say over time you become numb to pain; I think I have finally hit that point. It's a scary and sad realization to be a fertility case. I remember starting this whole thing 10 months ago. I talked about it like it was just a chapter out of my life, something we would look back and laugh at, something that was just a story, something that would be forgotten about quicker than it was brought up. This isn't just "trouble conceiving" and isn't not happening because we are "trying so hard". This doesn't seem to be something that will be fixed when we "stop trying". This is a real life problem, this is reality.
Dave and I are going to take a hiatus from it all and revisit it at some point. We are going to start doing our homework and research on where to go for IVF and more importantly, how to finance it. I'm not done forever, I hope. I am just done for now.
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