Stick a Fork in Me, I'm Done....

It sure been a while.  I disappeared for quite some time because I got tired of talking about this all the time.  I felt, and feel, like we are no longer people but just machines and any time people talked to us the only thing they talk about is this.  Don't get me wrong, I do like to vent and discuss it quite often but sometimes you need to escape and feel normal again. 

You really haven't missed much since the last posts.  Just the usual: shots, blood work, ultrasounds, tears, heartache, negative tests, periods, emotional break downs, and so on.  You can just press repeat of that last sentence over and over again and you are caught up on everything to date. 

As for the latest and greatest, last night I started spotting, like clock work, and knew it was only a matter of time until I started full flow. Dave insisted I take my progesterone last night but as the bed time drew closer it started getting heavier and I know continuing progesterone is only prolonging the full flow. I took a test last night just to prove to him it wasn't a fluke and show him it was ok to not continue my progesterone. It was negative, as I knew it would be. I hate to say it but I am tapping out. I can take no more. I am emotionally, physically and mentally spent. My body and my mind are drained and I just can't put myself through any more.

I am shockingly "ok" with the outcome though. They say over time you become numb to pain; I think I have finally hit that point. It's a scary and sad realization to be a fertility case. I remember starting this whole thing 10 months ago. I talked about it like it was just a chapter out of my life, something we would look back and laugh at, something that was just a story, something that would be forgotten about quicker than it was brought up. This isn't just "trouble conceiving" and isn't not happening because we are "trying so hard". This doesn't seem to be something that will be fixed when we "stop trying". This is a real life problem, this is reality.

Dave and I are going to take a hiatus from it all and revisit it at some point. We are going to start doing our homework and research on where to go for IVF and more importantly, how to finance it. I'm not done forever, I hope. I am just done for now.

A Ticking Time Bomb...

Boy its been a while. Let's play a little catch-up...My single follicle did in fact grow to be 20mm, fully mature and was ready to go!!   I have been in my 2 week wait ("2WW") since having my IUI on Wednesday, August 24th.  I always seem to fall quiet in that period simply because I really have nothing to update on.
The IUI was performed by my actual endrocronologost which was kind of nice. I got to talk to him and express my concerns and ask about how many cycles we have left on IUI before bring written off as an IUI patient and shipped off to the never never land of IVF.  He is such a kind an reassuring man. Plus has a gentle touch which is a major plus when it comes to administering the IUI. He let me know that Dave and I will be getting more IUI cycles than the "typical" infertility case because of my diagnosis. With hypothymalic amenoreah I do not produce the hormones on my own therefore I have no chance of conceiving on my own so all of our attempts are while in their care. Having only a 20% chance at best per cycle, they tend to be a little more lenient with us. It was a relief to hear this but also not simply because I'm ready for this to work already and really don't want to go to IVF. I truly don't know how we will afford it if it comes to that. Money is tight right now as it is with all the Dr visits, labs and medications. How can I afford another $15,000 on top of that???
This 2WW was a lot easier than normal for some reason. It went by like a blink of an eye and I was rather positive. While all of the women on my forums were bitter about Beyonce's baby news, I was rather happy for her. I went shopping, twice, for an upcoming baby shower...and did it with joy! It's all started to turn slowly in the last dew days though. My mood has been rather down and the pressure is finally getting to me.
The 2WW has its ups and downs. The negatives are known far too well to anyone undergoing fertility treatment. There is anxiety, hope, worry, disappointment, fear....the list goes on forever.  But there are positives too though; during those 2 weeks you almost feel normal again. There is no blood work, no Dr appointments, no shots...nothing. Well, except for the lovely progesterone suppositories which are a breeze compared to the rest of the junk!
I'm know a great part of my mood is contributed to the nerves of the up coming days. It's now so close and inevitable and that terrifies me. I feel like a ticking time bomb just watching the minutes fly by. Tomorrow marks 2 weeks exactly since my IUI and I am NOT looking forward to the rest of the week. I'm so nervous because I know its only a matter of time now until the truth comes out. I feel no different, as usual, and am so afraid of yet another big fat negative. My boob's aren't sore or swollen, I'm not sick, I never had spotting or cramping indicating implantation....big fat NADA going on as far as symptoms. I am scheduled to take an HPT on Friday, that is if I don't start my period first. If this cycle is anything like the others I will start either tomorrow or Thursday.
This single follie and I had a lot of talks about how it was going to need to shine and hog the attention of all the swimmers that came to visit....invite one in and ask it to stay! I think that these conversations are coming to and end and I am going to have to have talks with some new ones in the upcoming cycle.
I do all my mixing for the injections on a glass cutting board on the kitchen counter. I usually don't keep it out unless we are doing shots but for some reason never put it away during this 2WW. This afternoon I was washing up the counters and thought "I should put this stupid thing away" and then instantly thought "whats the point...I'm going to have to pull it out in a few days anyway to start mixing again". Gawd...I hate infertility!
This weekend is my brother-in-law's girlriends baby shower. My mother-in-law says I shouldn't go if I start my period or if I get yet another big fat negative. She says its too much to take in and she refuses to let me go through that. While I understand where she is coming from and appreciate her concern I feel I need to go regardless. We have not had the best relationship with them since their pregnancy and I feel I need to go to show them I am a good person and I really do care. Regardless of what has happened since their pregnancy announcement that is still my nephew in there and he's just a baby. He's innocent and he didn't do anything in this situation. They didn't get pregnant to intentionally hurt us and most importantly he doesn't deserve to be any less spoiled just because of our situation, even if his name is going to be the name we picked out for our own child years back. I am going to love that baby like no other, I'm sure of it. I just have to get past the sting of the fact that babies have been made and born and we are still only trying.
I'm sure I'm babbling so I will cut myself off. My brain is fried, its 11:00 pm, I'm drained but can't sleep or turn off my brain and its insanely hot and sticky! That is never a winning combination. It's only a matter of time till I post again...

A Blank Screen and a Flashing Cursor...

I must have sat here for 10  minute thinking about what to write.  There are times in the day when the thoughts flow freely and writing seems effortless but now is not one of those times.  I tend to hit a wall and not post anything because my mind is simply blank.  I think this is a result of over stimulating my mind with everything that is going on.  I find I spend a lot of my time on the fertility forum I had spoken of previously and talking to the amazing friends I have already made from there.  They never sit in silence when I complain or vent and they cheer you on when you feel you can no longer root for your self.  Its a great support and I am thankful to have stumbled across it.

This weekend was particularly rough.  Your probably scratching your head thinking, what...more than normal?  Well the answer to that is yes.  This weekend was more rough than normal, or at least just as bad as the rest!  We had an appointment on Saturday for more blood work and another ultrasound.  Dave wanted to go.  He hasn't been able to attend one visit this cycle due to his work schedule but I wanted him to stay home and sleep in.  The man works the most insane hours you can imagine.  Why should he get up at 6:00 to attend an appointment I can just come home and tell him about?  I knew that when the alarm went off in the morning, he wouldn't wake up so I snuck out of the house before I disturbed him.

My levels on Saturday were up to 203.  Quite a jump from the crash to 123. But regardless still only showed the one follicle. We had six just a few days past. How did we lose all but one and how is that fair? I guess I should be grateful that one hang on but now it seems to have stopped growing. We are upping the dose again in an attempt to kick start it again and get it to that mature size we need.

Shockingly enough that wasn't the worst of the worst from the appointment. When talking to the Dr and expressing my concerns, she too had her own. She fears there is something else going on in there that is keeping the egg and the sperm from joining. They don't know what it would be and can't really fix it with any other way than IVF where they actually fertilize the egg themselves. She is fearful we are headed down that road...not as much as I am of course.

Dave and I had a bbq to go to that day as well. I cried when I got home, I cried on the drive to Long Beach while we argued the whole time about money and affording this nightmare. I cried when I got to my moms. I'm a big blubbering idiot all because I don't know how on earth we will ever have children if we have to pay $15,000 for one IVF treatment...

Vanishing Act....

I know I haven't been very good at updating this thing lately. That's for a few reasons. One I have been busy at work. Two I have been busy cheering my fellow infertility friends on in our forum. Three I have been building relationships and surrounding myself with others who are going through the same things in an effort to comfort myself and have a support group that really understands what I am going through. And last but not least, I have been trying to digest what's going on in my body and my life.

Since the last cycle which resulted in a big fat negative, I have started up injections again and attacking this monster head on. I had a different attitude this time. I told myself, everyone, my body, and the man upstairs that THIS was my time to shine. THIS was my cycle and THIS time I will end up with a big fat positive! I have had several conversations with my body (I know your thinking I've officially lost my mind this time) about how well we are going to do this time. It seemed to be working.

I started injections again last Wednesday and went in for my first E2 (estrogen) levels on Monday. My levels came in at 163....great strong start!!! They asked me to come back Tuesday for more blood and an ultrasound to see how those babies were cooking. Tuesday the levels increased to 185 and the ultrasound showed 6 follicles maturing nicely and evenly. They were ranging from 7-11mm in size (fully natured is roughly 18mm) and none seemed to be hogging the food (estrogen).

In an effort to keep me from hyper stimulating again we reduced my meds from 1.5 vials a day to 1 vial and return today (2 days later) to see.how it was producing. She was really iffy about keeping me at 1 and was actually contemplating dropping me all the way down to 0.5 vials but didn't want to have me suddenly drop. She said keeping me at 1 should be fine and IF I did start to hyper stimulate they should be able to catch it in two days.

Well... I went in this morning for my E2 labs and like clock work I got the email around 9:45 from kaiser saying I had new lab results ready.  I rushed over to KP.org in a frantic to see the results.  I was hoping it wasn't something like 500 validating hyper stimulation!  Little did I know I hoped a little too much maybe.  When I logged on and saw that my labs went from 164 to 185 and then took a major dump to 123 my heart sank.  It felt like I was trying to swallow a bowling ball.  I obviously instantly panicked but tried to calm myself until I had proof from the ultrasound this afternoon.  That ended up not really helping though.  

When the Dr walked in she said neither one of us could say a word to each other until she was completed with my ultrasound. She must have known the anxiety festering inside of me without me even having to say a word.    I agreed to her rules.... against my will.  

This isn't my first rodeo and I know my way around an ultrasound like no body's business.  You would never guess I was in commercial real estate and not the medical field :)  We started with the right...as always. From what I could see there was only one mature follie. I kept quiet though and waited.  On the left....absolutely nada.  

I was devastated.  I took a major spiral down and lost all of them but one f.  I don't understand why I am being tortured like this!!  The Dr said when she saw my numbers she assumed this was a likely possibility.  Apparently the other follicles all got together and had dinner the other night and decided they no longer wanted to participate in the game this go.  They gave all of their estrogen to "big mamma" who has now taken the lead and is hogging it all to herself.  She is at 15mm....a great size but still only ONE none the less.  

We upped my dosage to 1.5 vials again in efforts to keep the one viable. I will return Saturday for another round of E2's and a new ultrasound to determine my fait for this.cycle. 

I cried the whole drive back to work.  I feel defeated.  I am scared for a number of reasons. One I think about last cycle and having had 5 eggies....5 of them and not one of them took. If I couldn't do it with those chances how am I going to be able to now? And two I am scared to use and lose another cycle on one follicle. I only have a number of IUI (artificial insimination and medication) before they cut me off, apologize immensely, and wish me the best of luck with IVF.  What do I do?!?!?!

I feel I need a friend and some serious comfort so bad. Dave tries and is really good at calming me down but to be quite frank he doesn't seem as passionate about this as I am. He wants a child badly but is totally ok with it being just the two of us if it doesn't work out. Your probably thinking to yourself that's the best and most romantic thing you have heard and yes, it is but I want a baby and a family with him. I want us to create a life out of the love we have for one another.  I want us to.be old and gray sitting in out.rocking chairs watching our.grandchildren torment their parents as bad as we did ours. I married the man of my dreams and I want to share our love by creating a life. But I also want him to be as miserable about the situation as I am right now.  Yes, I know I sound like such a brat right now but its just how I feel.

I guess only time will tell how this chapter unfolds. So until Saturday and until I have been proven otherwise, I am going to keep telling myself it only takes one good egg to make our miracle baby...

Another Disappointment…

Many of you probably think that we are in the middle of a cancelled cycle, because that’s what we told everyone.  The truth is Dave and I went through a whole complete cycle, trigger shot, insemination and all.  We decided not to tell anyone because I didn’t want to be hounded and constantly asked how I was feeling, if I had started my period or if I had tested yet.

This morning I took a HPT and the result was negative.  I started my period this afternoon and am now waiting on a call back from the Dr. to find out if I am coming in for an ultrasound today and starting shots tonight.   

I am discouraged. I am disappointed, crushed, devastated and heart broken.  There were five mature follicles before the trigger.  All I wanted was just one to be fertalized.  If I couldn’t fertilize just one egg when I had so many to begin with how am I ever going to be able to get pregnant?   

The tears are coming and going.  I wish I was at home laying on the couch with my pup and a blanket crying my eyes out.  That would make me feel better right now…  

All Appendages Crossed.....

I think it's about time Dave and I have some good luck with this.  What do you say?

I had my blood work done this morning and my estrogen levels are up from 253, yesterday, to 412, today.  While my blood work may say there is activity going on it all means nothing to me until I see in the ultrasound what was really happening inside that baby house.

The lining of my uterus wasn't as thick as she had hopped but she says I still need at least 3 more days of injections to fully mature the follicles.  Hopefully in that time the lining will thicken to their liking and the stars will begin to align.  My right ovary is the dominate one.  Its always produced more follicles than the left and this time was no different, not that I mind in this case.  There are four follicles maturing on the right side and only one on the greedy left.  That's right girls and boys....a total of five maturing follicles this cycle!

In an effort to continue to mature the five follicles that have already been called to the pitching mound, but also not recruit any more which would cause me to hyper-stimulate again and make them cancel the cycle, we are tapering back our medication to one vial tonight and half a vial tomorrow.  Saturday we will be returning for more blood and another ultrasound.

Hold that thought....my alarm is annoyingly beeping in the background reminding me it is time to stick myself....


Alright, now that that's taken care of.  Where was I?  I begged my Dr. not to cancel this cycle when we see her Saturday.  Hopefully when we go in we will still be in the "safe" zone and they will let us proceed which will in turn give us something even better to look forward to.

I am crossing everything I have.  Please cross all your appendages for us too....

So Far So Good....

I had my blood drawn this morning and my estrogen came back at 253, just the perfect number!  I continued with two vials of FSH again tonight.  Tomorrow morning I will be going for more blood wok and will be following up in the afternoon with an ultrasound to see if and how many follicles are maturing.  I am hoping for some magic here!!

Other than that I have no more "news" to report.  I did however catch the last hour of The Proposal staring Ryan Reynolds and Sandra Bullock while running at the gym this afternoon.  It is quite possibly the most adorable movie I have seen in a long time, well....so was Life as We Knew It.  Anyway...if you haven't seen it, I highly recommend it.  I am a total softie and love chick flicks that make your heart skip a beat and force a grin from ear to ear so keep that in mind before opening a new tab on your internet and adding it to your Netflix que.  Ryan Reynolds is a stud (not nearly as good looking as you Dave, if you happen to read this) and Sandra Bullock is adorable!  Its just a good ol' fashion love story for us hopeless romantics...

Becoming a Pro...

I am a little late and behind on posting the follow up to my Dr appointment on Saturday, I know.  But before I get to that I have to brag a little.  As you know, I have been a total wimp when it comes to receiving my shots.  It would start to get better toward the end of a cycle because I would get be getting use to them again.  As soon as we would stop for a while and then have to start up again, I would resort back to being the same chicken I was on day one...minus the fainting thank goodness!  When we did my shot on Saturday for the first time in a really long time I did not stall or flinch!!  Now, this may be because we were running late for a company dinner and I had no choice but to buck up and put on my big girl panties.  I don't care what the reason was, I'll take it.  This was no fluke either.  Its been a breeze doing the injections every night since.  Watch me jinx myself now!

On to the important but not nearly as interesting stuff...Everything looked good in the ultrasound on Saturday.  My ovaries are back to normal size and I am finally out of the danger zone with hyper-stimulation.  What a relief that it!!  I was so sick of not being able to run, always worrying about falling or getting knocked over, and sleeping with my legs up on this awful wedge to keep them elevated.  I like to sleep on my side and be able to toss and turn.  I am also loving that I can workout again and release some stress.  I ran for the first time in weeks yesterday.  Well, let me rephrase that, I walked and ran for the first time in weeks yesterday.  It was only four and a half miles and was harder than h-e-double-hockey-stick but I got through it and felt amazing after!  I'm sure I only have a few more days or a week left to be able to do this so I am going to soak it up while I can.

Now that we have a better understanding as to how my body reacts to the medication we are able to start to fine tune the dosage to try and get my body to mature 3-4 follicles in one cycle.  My body is quite stubborn in the beginning of the shot cycle.  It does not like to cooperate and will keep my levels low.  We started this round with two vials of FSH a day for four days to try and not make the cycle so long and drawn out.  Hopefully my estrogen will steadily increase with that dosage. I go back to the Dr. tomorrow morning for more blood work and depending on my levels I may go in Thursday for an ultrasound.

The tricky part is to not allow my levels to spike like they did last time and possibly turning me into the next octo-mom.  We know that as soon as my estrogen hits 200-250 it then takes off like a rocket.  In an attempt to avoid this we are going to start to taper my medication back as my levels reach higher.  Hopefully this time we will have better luck at this guessing game and not make 1 follicle like the firs time and 7 like the last.

In an attempt to de-stress and get a break from reality we decided to become boat owners.  We will now be spending our free weekends floating around some body of water...

An Unexpected Surprise...

I have two more days of progesterone pills left that I now no longer need to take!!!  I went to the bathroom this afternoon at work and much to my surprise I had started my period.  I am not supposed to technically start until 4-7 days after taking my last pill but you bet I am not complaining.

We have an appointment at 7:00 am tomorrow morning for blood work and an ultrasound to make sure my ovaries are doing okay.  When I called the Dr's to schedule the appointment they asked me if I had medication at home so I am assuming that means I will need to start injections again sometime soon.

I never thought I wold be so happy to give myself shots but I literally can't wait.  I feel like we are finally going somewhere with this process again and hope this trip leads down a good path...

The First of Many...

Tonight I shed the first set of tears I have cried in a while.  By a while I mean like...two weeks, ugh!  I have had one of those "why me" afternoons where I have wallowed in my own self pity.  I am confused, frustrated and tired.  Instead of thinking "when it happens" I am now thinking "what if it never happens".  I have gone from being positive and trying to pick out a new girl name that we can agree upon to thinking about adoption.  How can my mood change so drastically in day or two?

This is just the beginning of the heartache and tears.  When the progesterone kicks in I will be a train wreck. Right now I wouldn't mind running away from everyone and everything....

Bring On The Crazy...

Yesterday marked 3 weeks to the day since my last Dr's appointment. She had told me after quitting the medication I was to srart my period in 2-3 weeks. So, when yesterday came and went with no period I was rather excited and hopeful thinking maybe just maybe we somehow were pregnant. That was short lived...I took a urine test last night and a blood test at the Dr today both of which were negative, of course!!!!

I called this morning to see where we go from here and to ask why I hadn't started if I wasn't in fact pregnant. The answer I was told was much like all the others I have gotten..."this can happen with hypothalamic amenorrhea". I of course had to know why and what happened with the follicles then. Apparently my body body did not produce LH, the hormone that triggers your body to release the follicles, just as it does not naturally produce FSH, the follicle stimulating hormone. Why, no one knows. It is par for the course with everything I am going through though. As for the 7 mature follicles...they dissolved andwere absorbed by my body. What a waste of 7 good eggs if you ask me!!!!

In order to finish off this hell of a cycle that started back on May 31st I will start taking 10 days worth of progesterone. Lord pleas help poor David! I absolutely loath this stuff. This is the hormone they use to thicken the lining of your uterus and stop you after 10 days to force your period. It makes me miserable. I will cry tears of sorrow then get depressed, the kind where you don't even want to get out of bed, not.or.breath. And then when those fun parts are over I turn into a raging bitch. It is unlike any other mood swing you could image. When I told Dave that I had to start taking progesterone pills again he asked if I could substitute them out for the suppositories like we used after the completion of a cycle. I already asked that too buddy...no cigar! When I told him how much I was dreading taking them again because of the crazy that comes with them he proceeded to say "you think you are....?" Gotta love those husbands!

Tonight I will be taking my first pill. There are 10 days worth to take and after 4-7 days after that I should start my period. Which means in just over 2 I can start a new cycle. I'm so ready to be done with this and start to try again. I have had a long enough of a break and am ready to get back to business...

Happy Birthday America...

As I was walking out of Home Depot with Dave this afternoon I realized how lucky I am.  Life may not be working out as I hoped and dreamed it would have but that doesn't mean there isn't lot to be thankful for.  Nothing spectacular happened in this trip to trigger these thoughts either.  Today has been a rather mellow 4th this actually.  We woke up late, had breakfast at 11am and did not even get out of our jammies until noon.  We stopped at a few stores and aimlessly walked around looking at things we would like to someday get.  At Home Depot we picked up a new transformer to hook up all of the outdoor landscape lighting and a new dimmer switch for the family room.  It was a simple trip but something triggered an emotion that made me look at Dave and melt.

We have been together just over 8 years now but have never been at a better place in our relationship.  I can honestly say that I love him more today than I did in the beginning. At first it was puppy love but now, now I adore, respect, admire and truly love that man.  As I sit here writing this I can not even think of the words I want to use to describe how I feel for him because it is that strong.  My life would be nothing with out him.  He is the calm to my storm, the ying to my yang and like xanex for my crazy.  He balances me out like no other.  He is not what I thought I would end up with, not nearly as affectionate and loving as I had thought I wanted but I don't care because he has turned out to be more than I had ever dreamed of.  He has is flaws do don't gag in disgust of the love fest I am having.  I know do that when I see new couples who are soooo in love.  Do you not remember my last post?  Believe me, it ain't all perfect...I'm just having a moment :)
I hope everyone had a safe and happy 4th...

And to make you giggle...my mother-in-law is convinced that we are going to have twin boys if any when we get this party started.  So much so she had already started preparing and getting me the essentials, a double jogger and a double stroller...

A Moment of Weakness...

I am sitting here watching Tosh.O, eating chocolate ice cream and reading shape magazine...yes, I have stooped to a whole new level of pathetic!!! I am having a miserable day. I am exhausted for one. My sleep has been awful lately. I got cramps in my legs one night, our fight had kept me up much later than normal and sleeping with my legs elevated with a wedge is keeping me from sleeping me comfortably on my side.
I can not wait to finally be cleared from this hyper stimulation either. I wouldn't be surprised if that in itself contributed to my lack of sleep and sudden depression. Like I said, having to sleep on a wedge well, sucks. I am tired of not being able to do anything with impact or work out because of the risks and complications that could cone from it and the swelling is quite annoying as well.

So to get to the point of this vent fest...I feel that I have been pretty good lately. I've been strong, positive and hopeful...until today. I'm sure your thinking "funny, she always says that". I do always vent on here and talking about my frustrations but that's because this is where I get my frustrations out and I don't feel a need to blog about all of my good moments. I don't necessarily need to vent when things are good.
Maybe my crazy is kicking in because I know I should be starting my period any day now. Funny enough it was a 3 day weekend I was in this situation last time. I have been looking forward to the next cycle and hopefully having luck the next time around but right now I'm not feeling that great about it. Im scared. I'm feel like its never going to happen for us. It's been 7 months of being in infertility and my spirits are low.

I know patience is a virtue and I should just relax and wait it out but its hard when you see people getting everything you have hoped, dreamed and planned for and they are in no place to be having a child and didn't plan it in any way. It gets discouraging once in a while...

My Favorite Words...

There is nothing that brings me more comfort than hearing someone tell me "there are plenty of people out there going through the same thing" and "sorry but your not the only one that's had to deal with this". While I am fully aware that I am not the only person in the world going through this, my pain isn't subsided by this....especially when it comes from someone who is currently expecting a baby they never planned or intended having.

There is no easy way to approach this problem.  Nothing less than a healthy happy baby is going to make me feel better but people don't seem to understand that.  It is very hard for someone who has not gone through this to understand the pain, or even imagine it for that matter.  No one in their right mind would walk up to a person that as terminally ill with cancer and ask them to feel better just because they aren't alone.  Nor would you walk up to a man in a wheel chair who was paralyzed and tell them that there are lots of others out there who can't walk either. 

I could not imagine what life would be like if I was paralyzed and could not walk so how can I truly empathize with someone who is in that situation?  I can't, that's the truth but what I can do is be understanding and caring and try to feel their pain.  This is no different...I did not ask to be in this situation, I did not think this is how my life would go, my hope and dreams and all I have planned for are riding on this but even still I am trying with all my might to make the most of life and am trying to be as okay as possible.  That is easier said that done though. 

On the bright side of life...I watched my 6 month old nephew over the weekend while his parents went to Vegas.  It was amazing.  Life with a baby was so much fun.  The smiles and giggles he gave brought so much warmth to my heart.  Giving him back was a little hard simply because I wanted to keep him forever!  My house was quiet again...something current mothers are wishing they could have.  I am so grateful I got to have the time with him that I did.  The middle of the night fussing from cutting a tooth was honestly a joy to deal with.  They are so pure, so sweet, they have not one mean bone in their body, no ill thought, they have yet to be corrupted by society and the troubles of life...they are truly a blessing and a gift.... 

Feast or Famine…

I can’t seem to hit a happy medium.  My blood levels have been all over the place.  This cycle has not been as smooth as the last.  Just in the last 10 days I have had my blood drawn 6 times, 5 ultrasounds, and had 16 different needles in me, that’s not even my whole cycle this time either….just 10 days!!  I started off my cycle with with my estrodial levels at 45.  I was using 1.5 vials of FSH this time vs the 1 last cycle to hopefully produce more eggs.  My levels got into the 80’s by my first blood draw.  Then the one after that randomly dropped to 52.  In an attempt to increase them again we increased my dosage from 1.5 vials to 2, which I preferred.  Mixing the solution to make 1.5 vials sucks.  You actually have to pay attention, add and subtract…I don’t want to deal with that.  There’s already too much going on when you are mixing as it is.  Anyway…my levels had increased and were responding nicely to the 2 vials.  Last Friday I had increased to 266 …getting close to having matured eggs!  Yesterday I went in for more blood work.  If my levels were up high enough the Dr’s would have me come in today for an ultrasound.  Well…my levels were at 1108 defiantly up.  After I saw the blood results the nurse called me in a panic, told me to stop my shots and to come in this morning for more blood and an ultrasound to make sure everything was okay. 

The ultrasound didn’t go exactly as I had hoped and planned but I am happier with this result than the prior cycle.  We started with the right ovary, like always: 1 egg….2 eggs….3 eggs….4 eggs….5 eggs…was there something wrong with the ultrasound wand, am I just seeing tons of tiny eggs…what the heck is going on here!  On to the left side, this side is stubborn and didn’t produce last time: 1 egg….2 eggs….maybe a 3^rd too????  I didn’t really know what was going on because she wasn’t saying much at first.  I think she was so quiet because she was shocked and amazed…and soon I was too. We have 7 eggs.  7 eggs!!  She made an executive decision, and apologized immensely, to terminate the cycle. I won’t be the next octomom but I also won’t be conceiving this time around. 

It’s been so long since I have had a period or had hormones like this running through my body, I don’t remember what your body is supposed to feel like.  M boobs are so swollen, I feel like I am having problems keeping them in my bra comfortably and my nipples hurt to touch.  I asked the Dr. if this is what normal people feel like or if something is going on with me.  Apparently this is what all you women go through each month…I am sorry!! My body isn’t use to having the hormones and is just responding to them.  It feels strange whatever it is!

I have mixed emotions about this cycle.  I am thrilled that my body produced that many eggs but I am also sad that nothing will come of it.  I am concerned that we will not ever get that many again too which will make it virtually impossible to conceive like the last cycle.  Against my wishes, I grabbed a handful of condoms from the Dr.’s office.  I am tempted to poke pine holes in them but Dave has already threatened me should I tamper with them!!  In 2-3 weeks I should start my period, we will start the shots all over again and hope for a happy medium….



I Should Be Sleeping...

It's almost 10:30 and I know I should be sleeping. My mind is so weighed down. I am so stressed and overwhelmed my chest is heavy. I'm sure I sound like a broken record but these feelings overwhelm me at times.

Things have been going ok. We started my shots again and increased the dosage to a vial and a half a day. I went for my blood work and ultrasound on Saturday and my levels were up from 45 to 84, things were looking positive. The ultrasound didn't say much as you normally can't see follicle growth until your estrogen levels are over 100. Per the Dr's orders I had continued with vial and a half, in hopes to produce more than one egg this time, and had another appointment for more blood and another ultrasound today.
I should have known that today was going to be a bad day when I woke up ay 6:27 and needed to be out of the house by 6:30 in order to make it to the lab by 7:00. I don't know what it is but I am always tired lately. Correction...I know exactly why. This medication makes me extremely nauseous, dizzy and tired so if I am not one I am another.  I rushed out the house and thankfully made it to the lab on time, no make up and barely brushed teeth. I gave my donation of blood and went on my merry way to work.
At roughly 9:30 I got an email stating my tests results were in. I scurried to the internet as fast as possible in hopes to see my elevated levels. Unfortunately my excitement ended rather abruptly when I saw my levels had dropped from the 84 to 52. My throat was in my stomach. Why is this happening? I called the Dr to see of I even needed to come in for my ultrasound considering my levels were so low and my assumptions were correct.

With a tight throat and tears in my eyes I asked the nurse why this was happening to me, what was going on and what it meant. I was given the standard answer lately, its because of my hypothalamic amenorrhea. I am so sick of that its not even funny. I guess I should be grateful that my body has even responded to the.medication given my circumstances but honestly that's hard to do when you are the one in the situation. I try to be as positive as I can, I promise, but you walk a day in my shoes and see how your spirits are at the end of that day.

In attempts to bring my levels up, we are now doing 2 vials a night. I have another follow up appointment on Friday for more blood work, how do I even have any left to give, and hopefully an ultrasound. Now I just wait and continue to pray. Maybe I'll be able to sleep now that all of this is off my chest....

As Tension Builds...

It goes without saying, things are a little more stressful for us right now than normal.  As I sit here writing this Dave is upstairs in the shower cooling down from an argument.  It seems to be common lately so I am not entirely surprised.  The tension in the house is so thick sometimes you could cut it with a knife.

We will argue about anything these days.  We are arguing over things that we are on the same side of. We argue about small insignificant things. I think we could argue about wich way the wind is blowing...ANYTHING!!!!!

At this moment we are arguing because I told him he made me feel stupid when he laughed at me for something I said. And Dave being well...Dave of course got all pissed off. 30 minutes have passed and he finally. Now I don't know if its for the sake is ending the argument or simply because he is actually sorry. That we will never know!

Its petty little arguments like this though. Things that would normally never come up or be a problem are now a huge issue.  Im going nuts I tell ya!  I know all of this is caused from the stress of the situation we are in but I'm tired of it. It doesn't help that there are people in our lives that aren't making things any easier on us and causing more arguments and more problems.

Ugh, I need a stiff drink...

Back at it...

Why was I begging to have a period again?  This sucked.  I think I forgot what it was like and what to expect.  I had to call my girlfriend on Saturday to confirm I wasn't spotting, I think that was just wishful thinking.

Yesterday, Monday, I get a call from the Dr. telling me I had to come in that day for an ultrasound to ensure my ovaries were still looking good so I can start shots again.  I rushed to the Dr.'s office at lunch to take a peak inside an to have my blood work done.  Everything looked good in the ultrasound.  The blood work came back and my estrogen and FSH levels were low, I'm not surprised considering I haven't been on the hormone for 2 weeks.  Last cycle I was using 1 vial of medication per night.  This time I have been upped to 1.5 vials a day in hopes to create more than 1 mature follicle.  Do you think they will up me to 4 vials just to be safe this time?  If I turned out to be octo-mom I would be okay with that, I would just keep the pick of the litter and give the rest out as Easter gifts.

The shot last night wasn't very pleasant, I didn't faint so that is a plus.  It was just uncomfortable, more so than last time.  It burned as it was being injected and stung for a while after.  My guess would be that since I am now using 1.5 vials of medication and still only 1ml of disolvant, the solution is more concentrated.  It's part of the game though.  I will endure the pain because it will all be worth it in the end, I hope.

I have an appointment Saturday morning with my regular Dr. for another ultrasound and more blood work.  Told you I was always there.  I plan on asking him if its common that the artificial insemination doesn't take on the first try, if the fact that my estrogen level dropping back into the 40's so quickly has anything to do with it not taking, if there was something I did that may have caused it to not work, and if there is anything I can do to help this work.

My hopes are up and down.  I am trying to stay positive but its hard when the last round didn't take.  I have to keep reminding myself that I still have two more tries though.  I find that it hits me at the most random of times, well to be honest it feels more like all the time.  I see so many people who are pregnant that are uploading pictures of their "baby bump" or ultrasound pictures to facebook.  While I am happy for them, and they have every right to do that, it just kills me.  My skin is thin right now.  I am doing all I can do get through this.  The next month is going to be long, as was the last, but I am hoping this time I have a different outcome...

Happy Early Birthday to Me...

Where do I even start?  Friday I called the Dr. to confirm the test day and time.  I didn't know if it mattered if I tested in the morning or any other time.  After telling the nurse my reason for concern, Tuesday I had to go to work and didn't feel like not being able to focus from possible disappointing news.  After she had looked at the IUI date and the counted out the days she had said that I was actually able to test on Monday should I choose to do so.  What a sigh of relief...I was now 1 day closer to getting some answers.

This morning, Saturday, I woke up early to prepare for my birthday hike with my girlfriends.  Two days to go...wooohoooo.  How quickly the roof collapsed on that excitement.  When I went to the bathroom I wiped and was spotting.  I couldn't believe this.  I woke David up to let him know but continued to get dressed.  I was breaking inside but also trying to keep a stuff upper lip.  I shed a few tears and told him it was only spotting and not to get too disappointed yet.

I went off to my hike, trying not to let the thoughts bog me down, not to mention he first 7.75 miles were all hill and grueling. When we reached the top of Sitton Peak we stopped and had a snack.  The views were amazing and simply breathtaking but my mind was preoccupied.  All I could think about was if my spotting had changed to full force.  To ease my mind, like an idiot, I borrowed a towelette and snuck off to tinkle behind a bush.  Did I mention what a stupid idea this was?  Just as I feared, just as my worst nightmare had been, there it was...a period.  This is the one thing I had been hoping for over the last 2.5 years and now it was the death of my dream.  I cried a few tears on the way back but tried to hold my composure.  I wanted nothing more than to be done with that 13.6 mile hike and be back in my car where I could cry like there was no tomorrow.

I know I shouldn't be this disappointed, hell even I said that I wasn't going to be and that I was prepared for more shots.  There was only a 6% chance of this working but I put all my dreams in that 6% .

I thought that I had out cried myself on my last emotional break down, thats what I get for thinking.  I cried on the staircase for at least 2 hours.  I'm crushed, I'm devastated, I'm confused, I'm heartbroken.  Why us?  I'm beating a dead horse asking but, why?  The wind has been taken out of my sails, the air out of my lungs.  I feel like I am dying inside.  It's not the end of the road, I know that.  We still have two more tries but that's only two instead of three and I just failed at one.

I guess I just need to buck up, pull up the straps on my boots, put on my big girl panties and just deal with it.  Its life, it sucks...a lot.  So I will put on a smile, go back to the Dr., pick up more medication, more needles and prepare to become a walking pin cushion for another month.  On to the next round...

Five days left…

Yesterday was a really hard day for me.  I was good for most of the day and was thankfully distracted by all my shows on Tivo in the evening.  For some reason I was having a hard time though.  I have been doing so good so I don’t really understand where the sudden stress is coming from.  Dave thinks it’s because we are getting closer and closer to Tuesday which could be true.

There was a stupid commercial that came out about 10 times during the Idol finale.  I believe it was for AT&T Uverse or something like that.  It was very pregnant woman and her husband going from room to room as she was trying to get comfortable and watch T.V.  She is obviously uncomfortable and changes rooms probably 5 times before she finally is happy.  I was drawn to this commercial in the way you are drawn to a train wreck. You know you shouldn’t watch but at the same time you can't turn away.  I fast forward through all the commercials when watching Tivo but stopped at this one each time.  Why must I torture myself?  There was a time that I would look at pregnant women and feel bad for them and thank the stars above I was not miserable like they seemed at that moment but now, now I would give anything to be miserably uncomfortable. 

I let Dave know I was stressed out but he is a man, he doesn’t really get it.  A counselor that specializes with couples going through infertility had told us that men and women deal with this differently.  Women think about it every minute of every day, which is true, and men only really think about it when it is brought to their attention, also true.  It becomes frustrating and in moments of weakness you tend to think that they ac this way because they just don’t care. 

I tried to shake off the feeling and was managing pretty well considering, thanks to the T.V., but that all went out the window as soon as I went to bed.  As soon as my head to touch the pillow I started crying.  All my feelings and questions came running back.  Why us?  Why do some people get to have this and they don’t even try nor need a baby?  I want so badly to carry and hold my baby it makes my chest heavy just thinking about it.  Yes, I know…stressing and thinking about it doesn’t help.  I vented to David.  I did the usual accusations, telling him he does not care or want all of this as much as I do.  I ended up crying myself to sleep. 

I know now that I was in the wrong for lashing out on him, and I apologized for it, but it just becomes so overwhelming at times.  Today my chest still feels heavy and my mind is bogged down.  I have a lot of things changing lately that will hopefully help take my mind off of everything a little. Tomorrow I start at my new office and we have a nice long 3 day weekend coming up.  Hopefully this will help pass the time.  All I knw right now is that Tuesday sure can't come fast enough….

Let the Countdown Begin...

The easy parts are over, the shots, the blood work, the procedures....that was all a walk in the park compared to this.  The waiting is what is killing me.  I have 16 days to wait, starting the day after IUI.  If I have not started my period by that day, May 31st, I can then take a pregnancy test.

In the meantime I have been taking progesterone suppositories.  These aren't your traditional suppositories no...you put these in your front privates instead of the back privates.  I will continue these every night unless I start my period.  If I start my period then I stop the progesterone.  If I make it all the way to the 31st and haven't started my period then I take a test.  If the test is positive I continue the progesterone for the first 12 weeks of my pregnancy and of course jump for joy and probably cry.  If I test and the results are negative I will stop the progesterone, call the Dr. and wait for my period to start and of course I will probably still cry...well thats more like a guarantee.

The first few days were the hardest.  All I did was think about it, not that its any different now.  I try not to dwell on it but its obviously always in the back of my mind.  Right now we have 6 days left and it feels like an eternity. I am mentally preparing myself for more shots, my period and for a negative pregnancy test.  Since there was only one egg there is only a 6% chance with this round of IUI so I need to be realistic.

All of this has been so hard on us, as you can imagine.  It's taken a toll on me mentally and physically.  Its affects you as an individual and as a couple.  It has tested our strengths and has also caused us incredible heartache all while testing our character but I have to remember why we are even in this place right now.  I met the man of my dreams, he made me the happiest woman on earth, we got our life is at a point where we feel that we are secure enough to bring a baby into this world.  Right now, Dave and I have what many people dream for.  I have to keep that in mind, always remember that and try to see the positive...

The Moment of Truth.....

Sunday morning 6:00 am: Up bright and early.  I took a shower and got everything ready to head to the hospital for IUI.  I didn't wake Dave up until a few minutes before we had to go.  I wanted to let him get his sleep but also have enough time to make his, ahem, donation.  We had to have the specimen to the hospital by 7:30 (within an hour of collection) so we are on a time line.

Once the donation has been made we headed on out.  You have to keep it at a warm temperature so they recommended either placing it in between your boobs or under your arm pit.  Who really wants to drive with a cup under their armpit??  I kept my future children tucked securely in my cleavage for safety.

You have to drop the specimen off at 7:30 and then return at 9:00 for the IUI.  They inspect the sperm, do counts, wash it and feed it and then count them again after their bath.  Now I know what you are thinking...a sperm wash?  Its not really a "bath".  The sperm must be washed in order to be used with IUI. Raw semen cannot be inserted directly into a woman’s uterus. This is because semen contains chemicals called prostaglandins. Prostaglandins cause muscular contractions and are responsible for cramps during menstruation and pregnancy. If raw semen is inserted directly into your uterus, rather than going through the cervix first, it could cause severe pain and cramping. It could also cause your uterus to collapse, causing severe complications.

Sperm is also washed in order to increase your chances of becoming pregnant. Sperm washing can remove dead sperm and those sperm with poor motility. This leaves behind sperm that can swim faster and that are more likely to fertilize your egg. Sperm washing can also get rid of the white blood cells, mucous and seminal fluid surrounding the sperm, which can also interfere with fertility.

The IUI procedure took no more than 2 minutes.  They insert the catheter, after confirming they have the right sample of course, inject the sperm and make you lay there for 10 minutes.  Once your time is up you are free to get dressed and go.  Now comes the hard part, waiting....

Walking Pin Cushion....

When we started this whole game, my estrogen levels were at 40-45 for months.  For each mature follicle (egg) your body will produce roughly 100-600 pg/ml of estrogen.  So as you can see at 40 I was not producing any mature eggs.

Not only had I given myself shots every day, I had to go in and have my blood redrawn every 3 days to check the levels.  The first time I went in to have my blood checked after starting the FSH my estrogen had increased to 84.  Almost double of what it was originally!  I continued with the shots and scheduled an appointment a few days later to come in for an ultrasound to see how the eggs were maturing and how my ovaries were reacting.  They had hoped that by the time I came in for my ultrasound my levels would be over 100 and I would have a mature egg.  When my levels came back at 208 I nearly fainted!  I was so excited that my body was responding so well to the drug.  Now was the moment of truth....the ultrasound.

I was so nervous when I went in, who knows why.  The ultrasound was not bad but it also wasn't great.  We only had one mature egg.  I was hoping for more, as were the Dr's, simply to increase our chance when we did the intra-uteral insemination ("IUI") but at least we had one.

At that point I was told to administer one more vial of FSH, do the HCG trigger shot on Fridayat 10:00 pm and Sunday morning we would go in for IUI.

The FSH shot that night wasn't bad, same as always, but the HCG shot on Friday was awful!  It wasn't the shot that hurt it was the pain that came 5 minutes after.  I had the worst shooting pain from the site of the injection into my belly button.  As time passed the pain subsided but never went away.

The following day the site was still very sore and now had a red spot which turned into a bruise.  When we went in for IUI on Sunday I asked the Dr. about it and she said it was normal.  Regardless, how can one little shot hurt so bad??

Addicts in the Making....

After my scare of my first shot Dave and I decided it was probably best if he administered the shots from now on and I would just look away.  Even though we were going to be in Vegas for 4 days I still had needed to do my injection every night.  We made our plans around the injections.  We knew that we had to be back at the room by 7:45 to get ready and administer the shots but then we could continue on with our night.  It became relatively easy.

Saturday was a little more difficult.  The whole reason we were in Vegas was for the Supercross finals which just so happened to start at 7:00 pm at Sam Boyd Stadium, 30 minutes away.  We had no choice but to do our shots while we were at the races.  I was willing to do them in the bathroom and give it a go myself but Dave did not feel comfortable with me doing that because if something happened I would have been in the bathroom alone.  To make things easier we decided to do the shot out in the car.  

Our car wasn't parked in the parking lot of the stadium.  No....we were parked in front of a park!  Here we were filling and drawing syringes and shooting up in a car...in front of a park.  How awful!!  At least we were in Vegas...

Man Down....

The moment has come...the day of my first injection.  Dave and I were heading to Vegas the following day and needed to take Lola to my moms.  The injections have to be given at the same time every day, 8:00 pm, so we packed up all our supplies and took them to my moms to do the injection there.

My mom came in to watch being the nosy person she is.  Dave and I had the mixing down in no time.  It wasn't the mixing I was concerned with anyway.  I cleaned my belly and was ready to shoot.  Easier said than done!  I must have stood there for 10 minutes with my skin gathered in my fingers and the syringe in the other hand.  Lets put it this way, I was standing there for so long my mom decided to go into the living room and watch TV.

The nerves never subsided and I knew that I just had to do it.  Waiting wasn't going to make it any easier.  I asked Dave to grab me a chair out of the dining room just in case I fainted.  Without a blink I stuck the needle in to the left side of my stomach.  I really don't think there was any pain but no matter how hard I pushed the plunger, the medication only came out super slow.  I was down to 1/2ml left of medication.  I was clammy and dizzy...it was only a matter of time before I went down like the titanic.  It took everything in me to stay conscious just long enough to finish the injection.

When I started to come to I could feel Dave rubbing my shoulders and asking me if I was okay.  I don't even remember giving him the needle but I knew I had finished my injection myself and must have handed it to him as I was fainting.  I have never fainted so bad in my life.  I have fainted several times and never felt as bad as I did this time.  Usually I can hear what is going on around me and know I fainted when I come to.  This time, I had no idea where I was, what happened or what was going on.  It was the worst feeling.

Later my sweet and adoring husband told me "You know how I am terrified of The Exorcism?".  Dave said that when I fainted my eyes rolled in the back of my head and my head went backwards.  When my head came forward I was making this gurgling sound but was still out cold.  Even after my eyes rolled back I was still out for a while.  Apparently all of this reminded Dave of this movie and for a moment there he was scared shitless.  So instead of being worried about his poor wife the man was ready to run!

I thought the nurse said no one ever fainted.  There is a first for everything....

Shot Training...

After we completed the ultrasound we were cleared for shot training.  This was the moment I had been waiting for but also dreading at the same time.  There are several different types of shots that are used for infertility.  They have a shot that looks like a pen.  Each vial is loaded into the pen and all you have to do is press the top of it and it releases the medication without you having to see it or mix anything. Of course.... I didn't get that kind!

I have actual vials of medication that I need to mix with the dissolvant.  There are different needles for mixing and administering.  We practice with sample bottles and needles probably 10 times until we learn exactly how to mix the solution.  All the steps:

1. Wash your hands
2. Remove 1 vial of dissolvant and one (or more depending on your Dr's orders) vial of Follicle Stimulating Hormone ("FSH")
3. Take out one 22 gauge needle or Q-Cap (for mixing the medications), one syringe, one 30 gauge needle (for administering), two alcohol wipes and your disinfectant wipes.
4. Clean your surface and take the safety caps off 
5. Clean the tops of each vial with a different corner of the alcohol wipe
6. Open all of your supplies while your vials dry
7. Place the Q-Cap or 22 gauge needle on the syringe and twist until you hear it tighten
8. Draw 1 ml of air into the syringe
9. Place the Q-Cap into the vial of dissolvant and push the air into the vial
10. Turn the vial upside down and draw out more solution than necessary push the syringe back up  to ensure you only get 1 ml of solution
11. Remove syringe from the solution bottle and place it in the vial containing the FSH powder
12. Inject all the solution into the FSH vial 
13. Swirl the vial on the counter for roughly 60 seconds top to mix the solution with the FSH powder
14. Draw out all of the solution plus some air into the syringe and switch your needle to the 30 gauge administering needle
15. Flick our any bubbles from the syringe, remove the cap, pull down on the plunger to get any excess liquid that got flicked up into the top of the needle and then push all of the medication up until a small drop comes out the top.
16. Flick the drop off and recap
17. Clean your stomach with an alcohol wipe where administering the injection
18. Gather the skin
19. Remove the cap and shoot

Of course they do not have you inject yourself while in training so they let you inject a fake tummy.  I told the nurse that I was known for fainting but she reassured me that they have never had anyone faint from their injections.  Time to pick up our medication....

1 month supply of needles, and medication = 

Approximately $2,000

Potential Candidates....

After the HSG was completed I went home to rest up only to head back to the hospital for an ultrasound.  Dave wasn't able to make it to the HSG in the morning but came home in the knick of time to go to the ultrasound.

When we were called into the room Dave went in first because I had to go to the restroom.  When I cam back in the room I closed the door and went to take my pants off.  The look on Dave's face...he stared at me and paused for second before asking "Amber!!!!!  Are you supposed to be taking your pants off?"  I looked at him with confusion and wondered how he thought they were going to see my ovaries.  Maybe they were going to waive their magic hands over my stomach and be able to see everything inside.  As I continued to get undressed I explained to Dave why it was necessary.

Before we got to the ovaries we saw the lining of my uterus.  It was about as thick as a piece of paper, confirming my hypothalamic amenorrhea.  When we panned over to the ovaries we saw all the little eggs in there.  Is it strange that made me all weepy?  You would have thought that I saw an ultrasound of my first child!!  Both ovaries had eggs.  Now we need to make them mature...

Let the Fun Begin...

We finally started getting some answers and actually making progress in this not so fun adventure.

I went in for my hysterosalpingogram ("HSG") aka an x-ray of my fallopian tubes, not as uncomfortable as it sounds but still not my favorite thing.  I checked into the hospital in the morning for prep.  I was given an outfit that was similar to my Sunday best...two hospital gowns, one for each side.  Attractive, I know!  I was brought into my radiology room by the nicest nurse I have ever had.  She was so positive and so kind.

Thankfully, Dr. Wong was administering the procedure that day.  I was extremely nervous because I had heard about how much pain people were in during these procedures so I tried to make light of the moment and told Dr. Wong he needed to put pictures on the ceiling.

He had me scoot all the way down to the end of the table to insert the catheter.  Once the catheter was in place, I laid all the way back onto the table and patiently waited for the injection of the dye.  It was the strangest thing...I was laying on the table with this tube running out of me.  The Dr. was holding a syringe that was attached to the catheter that contained the dye and walked into another room that was safe from radiation.  I mean who has a tube hanging out of them that is so long the Dr. is holding the other end and walks into another room?!?!?  Just awkward.

There was a monitor in the room next to me that allowed me to see my uterus and the dye as it was injected.  He pulled the trigger and within a matte of seconds the right fallopian started to fill up and release the dye.  The left was a little more stubborn but finally filled up as well.  Success!!!!!

This isn't my HSG but it gives you an idea of what they look like:

If at First You Don't Succeed...

Two weeks after the shots came and went and yet there was still no period.  Every day was a let down.  I would go to the bathroom in hopes of starting my period and was crushed over and over again each time.  I finally called the Dr. and let her know the news and asked where we go from here.  We had been to other consultations and seminars and were given advice from other specialists as to what steps to take to finding out what was wrong.  I knew that we needed to have my fallopian tubes x-rayed and also needed to have an ultrasound of my uterus and ovaries.

My Dr. however wanted to "just wait it out".  She thought that we should wait 6 months to a year and see what happens and then we can reevaluate it at that point.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME???  I was obviously not okay with this answer.  I called the fertility clinic back and requested a second opinion.

Unfortunately there are only 3 fertility specialists in the department, so I guess I better like one of the other two.  Both of the other Dr's have their own private practice where they do in-vitro fertilization ("IVF").  One of them is a woman who has had IVF done herself.  The other is a male Dr who actually performed her IVF.  I made my appointment with Dr. Wong....the one who has the track record of making it work :)

I went into Dr. Wong's office ready for fight for what I wanted.  I was not going to sit there and take anything less than what I wanted done.  I wanted answers.  I sat down in the chair and before I could even say anything Dr. Wong said "Amber, what you have is hypothalamic amenorrhea and the only way to treat this is to put you on daily injectables.  But before we waste our time with that I want to do x-rays and an ultrasound to rule out any other possibilities."  Are you kidding??  Thats all I had to do, just sit there?  I didn't have to fight, I didn't have to tell him my feelings or what I wanted.  He knew what was wrong and how to fix it or at least had a plan.

He had also given me insight on hypothalamic amenorrhea.  Apparently this is a problem that is out of my control, which some people didn't think was the case.  This was not caused due to my exercise, my eating habits or because I am a stress case.  Hypothalamic amenorrhea is caused by the hypothalamus.  This portion of the brain that has many different functions one of which includes your production of estrogen.

Finally we are getting somewhere...

When Reality Sinks In...

Two weeks went by after stopping the progesterone and the sad sad reality sank in that I still did not have a period.  After several Dr's appointments and consultations, we were now considered an infertility case.

The news was heart wrenching, devastating and took the breath right out of my lungs.  How can this be?  Dave and I have waited so long for this moment.  We wanted everything to be right.  We never gave in when people pressured us.  We moved and bought a house for children.  We researched schools.  We have a list of baby names we have complied for years.  We knew what room was going to be the nursery and had postponed redoing that room with hopes to change it soon anyway.  How is this happening...to us??

This whole experience took me back to the way I felt when my dad was diagnosed with cancer and passed away shortly after.  You always hear of people having fertility problems and going through crazy things to achieve the ultimate goal parenthood but you never think it would happen to you.  I felt like I was always just telling people our story about our infertility but that it wasn't really happening to us.

We were referred to our first infertility specialist in March.  Right from the get go we couldn't stand the woman, not the relationship you want to have with the person that may or may not hold your future in their hands, but continued with her recommendations...more progesterone and more blood work!

This time I wasn't lucky enough to take those devil pills...can you imagine me wishing I had those again?  Oh no...this time I had to get two intra-muscular shots...one in each ass cheek!  My wonderful, caring husband was there from the consult with the specialist all the way down to the shots.  He sat there and laughed the whole time!!  I am glad someone found humor from my pain!

As you can imagine, the hormones sank in again and my emotions went wild.  Once again there was more crying, more pain and more suffering...

And So it Begins....

Our first step in solving this mystery was to take a 10 day progesterone challenge and give a truck load of blood work.  Progesterone is a hormone that our bodies normally produce.  It allows the lining of the uterus to thicken.  When the hormone is stopped the body sheds the lining,  creating a period.  The hopes of doing this is to kick your body back into sync.  Sometimes our bodies need a little help to get things going. 
Now as you can imagine, when you pump your body with foreign hormones you are asking for some crazy to come out, and boy did I have some!  The 10 days of being on this miserable teeny tiny little pill was nothing short of a roller coaster ride. 


During the derail of this emotional train, my cousin had her baby shower.  Bad timing for my pills, I know!  That morning I woke up and felt like I had been hit by a semi of emotions.  I couldn't even get out of bed I was crying so hard and to make matters worse Dave was going out of town with all of the boys for a guys weekend of riding and shooting.  Everything was working against me. 


After 2 straight hours of laying on the floor crying like a child whose mom said she couldn't have candy, I pulled myself together, went to my mommas house, they always know best, and got ready for the shower there.  I am so glad I pulled myself together enough to go.  It was difficult and painful at times, knowing that my fertility was unknown, but it was a wonderful time that I wouldn't miss for the world...

When There is Smoke, There is Fire....

I know that many people try to conceive for a quite a while before having success so I tried not to be dissapoited the first few months.  After several negative pregnancy tests and finally paying attention to the red flag that had not just been waving in my face but was practically on fire, I called the Dr. to make a routine appointment.  


In February of 2011 I went to my OB to discuss starting family and just to make sure everything was fine.  There was one bit of information that seemed to concern her, but not too much.  For the last two and a half years I have not had a period.  Yes, I know...I am stupid for not doing anything about it earlier or thinking anything of it but really...who's going to complain about not having a period??  The Dr. didn't seem overly concerned.  She said that being on the pill for so long can often cause women to lose their periods but it will start back up shortly after stopping.  


Two weeks after my appointment I got a call from the Dr. stating that my pap came back with abnormal cell growth.  As you can imagine I freaked out.  What if I had cancer?  It does run in my family.  My mom had had precancerous cells on her cervix when she was younger...what if it was happening to me now?


Two looooong weeks later I went in for my biopsy.  I remember the Dr. walking in the room and asking me if I had any questions.  Do I have any questions?  Are you kidding!  I had like a million questions but none could come out at that  moment.  I quietly told her yes and then immediately started balling.  I told her my fears of this affecting our chance of conceiving.  She reassured me that the abnormal cell growth should not affect that.  She went on and completed the more than painful biopsies and wrapped everything up with follow-up questions.  


When we got to the question about my cycle she wasn't as positive and upbeat as she was earlier.  She let me know her concerns and also her approach to trying to solve the mystery problem...  

Catching Up...

We all think that life will work out as we plan.  I thought I did everything right and took all the correct steps for a good life.  Of course we all make mistakes here and there but in the end I thought I did okay.  Dave and I started dating in 2003, still in high school, and seeing as we were foolish teenagers we decided that moving in together at the "mature" age of 18 was a grand idea.  We got engaged shortly after and started planning my dream wedding.  June 10, 2006 I married my best friend.  Life from then till now has been nothing short of a roller coaster.  


Against all my wishes, Dave and I looked for homes outside of Orange County.  After much persuasion we both agreed that if we wanted the big house with the big back yard and room for a family, all while being affordable too, we would have to venture out of our comfort zone.  Almost a year into our search and after a long fight, we found the home of our dreams.  In 2009 we bought our first house!!


Now as you can imagine, we have received flack for not having kids.  I mean, we have been together for 8 years and for quite some time we were the only ones in the family that were married.  We never gave in though.  No matter how hard we were hounded we knew that we wanted to wait for the right time for us, like there is a right time, right??


After the birth of our handsome nephew, Levi, and the announcement of our cousin's expected baby, we decided our time had come to make a family of our own.  In December of 2010 the trying began...