Where do I even start? Friday I called the Dr. to confirm the test day and time. I didn't know if it mattered if I tested in the morning or any other time. After telling the nurse my reason for concern, Tuesday I had to go to work and didn't feel like not being able to focus from possible disappointing news. After she had looked at the IUI date and the counted out the days she had said that I was actually able to test on Monday should I choose to do so. What a sigh of relief...I was now 1 day closer to getting some answers.
This morning, Saturday, I woke up early to prepare for my birthday hike with my girlfriends. Two days to go...wooohoooo. How quickly the roof collapsed on that excitement. When I went to the bathroom I wiped and was spotting. I couldn't believe this. I woke David up to let him know but continued to get dressed. I was breaking inside but also trying to keep a stuff upper lip. I shed a few tears and told him it was only spotting and not to get too disappointed yet.
I went off to my hike, trying not to let the thoughts bog me down, not to mention he first 7.75 miles were all hill and grueling. When we reached the top of Sitton Peak we stopped and had a snack. The views were amazing and simply breathtaking but my mind was preoccupied. All I could think about was if my spotting had changed to full force. To ease my mind, like an idiot, I borrowed a towelette and snuck off to tinkle behind a bush. Did I mention what a stupid idea this was? Just as I feared, just as my worst nightmare had been, there it was...a period. This is the one thing I had been hoping for over the last 2.5 years and now it was the death of my dream. I cried a few tears on the way back but tried to hold my composure. I wanted nothing more than to be done with that 13.6 mile hike and be back in my car where I could cry like there was no tomorrow.
I know I shouldn't be this disappointed, hell even I said that I wasn't going to be and that I was prepared for more shots. There was only a 6% chance of this working but I put all my dreams in that 6% .
I thought that I had out cried myself on my last emotional break down, thats what I get for thinking. I cried on the staircase for at least 2 hours. I'm crushed, I'm devastated, I'm confused, I'm heartbroken. Why us? I'm beating a dead horse asking but, why? The wind has been taken out of my sails, the air out of my lungs. I feel like I am dying inside. It's not the end of the road, I know that. We still have two more tries but that's only two instead of three and I just failed at one.
I guess I just need to buck up, pull up the straps on my boots, put on my big girl panties and just deal with it. Its life, it sucks...a lot. So I will put on a smile, go back to the Dr., pick up more medication, more needles and prepare to become a walking pin cushion for another month. On to the next round...
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Five days left…
Yesterday was a really hard day for me. I was good for most of the day and was thankfully distracted by all my shows on Tivo in the evening. For some reason I was having a hard time though. I have been doing so good so I don’t really understand where the sudden stress is coming from. Dave thinks it’s because we are getting closer and closer to Tuesday which could be true.
There was a stupid commercial that came out about 10 times during the Idol finale. I believe it was for AT&T Uverse or something like that. It was very pregnant woman and her husband going from room to room as she was trying to get comfortable and watch T.V. She is obviously uncomfortable and changes rooms probably 5 times before she finally is happy. I was drawn to this commercial in the way you are drawn to a train wreck. You know you shouldn’t watch but at the same time you can't turn away. I fast forward through all the commercials when watching Tivo but stopped at this one each time. Why must I torture myself? There was a time that I would look at pregnant women and feel bad for them and thank the stars above I was not miserable like they seemed at that moment but now, now I would give anything to be miserably uncomfortable.
I let Dave know I was stressed out but he is a man, he doesn’t really get it. A counselor that specializes with couples going through infertility had told us that men and women deal with this differently. Women think about it every minute of every day, which is true, and men only really think about it when it is brought to their attention, also true. It becomes frustrating and in moments of weakness you tend to think that they ac this way because they just don’t care.
I tried to shake off the feeling and was managing pretty well considering, thanks to the T.V., but that all went out the window as soon as I went to bed. As soon as my head to touch the pillow I started crying. All my feelings and questions came running back. Why us? Why do some people get to have this and they don’t even try nor need a baby? I want so badly to carry and hold my baby it makes my chest heavy just thinking about it. Yes, I know…stressing and thinking about it doesn’t help. I vented to David. I did the usual accusations, telling him he does not care or want all of this as much as I do. I ended up crying myself to sleep.
I know now that I was in the wrong for lashing out on him, and I apologized for it, but it just becomes so overwhelming at times. Today my chest still feels heavy and my mind is bogged down. I have a lot of things changing lately that will hopefully help take my mind off of everything a little. Tomorrow I start at my new office and we have a nice long 3 day weekend coming up. Hopefully this will help pass the time. All I knw right now is that Tuesday sure can't come fast enough….
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Let the Countdown Begin...
The easy parts are over, the shots, the blood work, the procedures....that was all a walk in the park compared to this. The waiting is what is killing me. I have 16 days to wait, starting the day after IUI. If I have not started my period by that day, May 31st, I can then take a pregnancy test.
In the meantime I have been taking progesterone suppositories. These aren't your traditional suppositories no...you put these in your front privates instead of the back privates. I will continue these every night unless I start my period. If I start my period then I stop the progesterone. If I make it all the way to the 31st and haven't started my period then I take a test. If the test is positive I continue the progesterone for the first 12 weeks of my pregnancy and of course jump for joy and probably cry. If I test and the results are negative I will stop the progesterone, call the Dr. and wait for my period to start and of course I will probably still cry...well thats more like a guarantee.
The first few days were the hardest. All I did was think about it, not that its any different now. I try not to dwell on it but its obviously always in the back of my mind. Right now we have 6 days left and it feels like an eternity. I am mentally preparing myself for more shots, my period and for a negative pregnancy test. Since there was only one egg there is only a 6% chance with this round of IUI so I need to be realistic.
All of this has been so hard on us, as you can imagine. It's taken a toll on me mentally and physically. Its affects you as an individual and as a couple. It has tested our strengths and has also caused us incredible heartache all while testing our character but I have to remember why we are even in this place right now. I met the man of my dreams, he made me the happiest woman on earth, we got our life is at a point where we feel that we are secure enough to bring a baby into this world. Right now, Dave and I have what many people dream for. I have to keep that in mind, always remember that and try to see the positive...
In the meantime I have been taking progesterone suppositories. These aren't your traditional suppositories no...you put these in your front privates instead of the back privates. I will continue these every night unless I start my period. If I start my period then I stop the progesterone. If I make it all the way to the 31st and haven't started my period then I take a test. If the test is positive I continue the progesterone for the first 12 weeks of my pregnancy and of course jump for joy and probably cry. If I test and the results are negative I will stop the progesterone, call the Dr. and wait for my period to start and of course I will probably still cry...well thats more like a guarantee.
The first few days were the hardest. All I did was think about it, not that its any different now. I try not to dwell on it but its obviously always in the back of my mind. Right now we have 6 days left and it feels like an eternity. I am mentally preparing myself for more shots, my period and for a negative pregnancy test. Since there was only one egg there is only a 6% chance with this round of IUI so I need to be realistic.
All of this has been so hard on us, as you can imagine. It's taken a toll on me mentally and physically. Its affects you as an individual and as a couple. It has tested our strengths and has also caused us incredible heartache all while testing our character but I have to remember why we are even in this place right now. I met the man of my dreams, he made me the happiest woman on earth, we got our life is at a point where we feel that we are secure enough to bring a baby into this world. Right now, Dave and I have what many people dream for. I have to keep that in mind, always remember that and try to see the positive...
The Moment of Truth.....
Sunday morning 6:00 am: Up bright and early. I took a shower and got everything ready to head to the hospital for IUI. I didn't wake Dave up until a few minutes before we had to go. I wanted to let him get his sleep but also have enough time to make his, ahem, donation. We had to have the specimen to the hospital by 7:30 (within an hour of collection) so we are on a time line.
Once the donation has been made we headed on out. You have to keep it at a warm temperature so they recommended either placing it in between your boobs or under your arm pit. Who really wants to drive with a cup under their armpit?? I kept my future children tucked securely in my cleavage for safety.
You have to drop the specimen off at 7:30 and then return at 9:00 for the IUI. They inspect the sperm, do counts, wash it and feed it and then count them again after their bath. Now I know what you are thinking...a sperm wash? Its not really a "bath". The sperm must be washed in order to be used with IUI. Raw semen cannot be inserted directly into a woman’s uterus. This is because semen contains chemicals called prostaglandins. Prostaglandins cause muscular contractions and are responsible for cramps during menstruation and pregnancy. If raw semen is inserted directly into your uterus, rather than going through the cervix first, it could cause severe pain and cramping. It could also cause your uterus to collapse, causing severe complications.
Once the donation has been made we headed on out. You have to keep it at a warm temperature so they recommended either placing it in between your boobs or under your arm pit. Who really wants to drive with a cup under their armpit?? I kept my future children tucked securely in my cleavage for safety.
You have to drop the specimen off at 7:30 and then return at 9:00 for the IUI. They inspect the sperm, do counts, wash it and feed it and then count them again after their bath. Now I know what you are thinking...a sperm wash? Its not really a "bath". The sperm must be washed in order to be used with IUI. Raw semen cannot be inserted directly into a woman’s uterus. This is because semen contains chemicals called prostaglandins. Prostaglandins cause muscular contractions and are responsible for cramps during menstruation and pregnancy. If raw semen is inserted directly into your uterus, rather than going through the cervix first, it could cause severe pain and cramping. It could also cause your uterus to collapse, causing severe complications.
Sperm is also washed in order to increase your chances of becoming pregnant. Sperm washing can remove dead sperm and those sperm with poor motility. This leaves behind sperm that can swim faster and that are more likely to fertilize your egg. Sperm washing can also get rid of the white blood cells, mucous and seminal fluid surrounding the sperm, which can also interfere with fertility.
The IUI procedure took no more than 2 minutes. They insert the catheter, after confirming they have the right sample of course, inject the sperm and make you lay there for 10 minutes. Once your time is up you are free to get dressed and go. Now comes the hard part, waiting....
Walking Pin Cushion....
When we started this whole game, my estrogen levels were at 40-45 for months. For each mature follicle (egg) your body will produce roughly 100-600 pg/ml of estrogen. So as you can see at 40 I was not producing any mature eggs.
Not only had I given myself shots every day, I had to go in and have my blood redrawn every 3 days to check the levels. The first time I went in to have my blood checked after starting the FSH my estrogen had increased to 84. Almost double of what it was originally! I continued with the shots and scheduled an appointment a few days later to come in for an ultrasound to see how the eggs were maturing and how my ovaries were reacting. They had hoped that by the time I came in for my ultrasound my levels would be over 100 and I would have a mature egg. When my levels came back at 208 I nearly fainted! I was so excited that my body was responding so well to the drug. Now was the moment of truth....the ultrasound.
I was so nervous when I went in, who knows why. The ultrasound was not bad but it also wasn't great. We only had one mature egg. I was hoping for more, as were the Dr's, simply to increase our chance when we did the intra-uteral insemination ("IUI") but at least we had one.
At that point I was told to administer one more vial of FSH, do the HCG trigger shot on Fridayat 10:00 pm and Sunday morning we would go in for IUI.
The FSH shot that night wasn't bad, same as always, but the HCG shot on Friday was awful! It wasn't the shot that hurt it was the pain that came 5 minutes after. I had the worst shooting pain from the site of the injection into my belly button. As time passed the pain subsided but never went away.
The following day the site was still very sore and now had a red spot which turned into a bruise. When we went in for IUI on Sunday I asked the Dr. about it and she said it was normal. Regardless, how can one little shot hurt so bad??
Not only had I given myself shots every day, I had to go in and have my blood redrawn every 3 days to check the levels. The first time I went in to have my blood checked after starting the FSH my estrogen had increased to 84. Almost double of what it was originally! I continued with the shots and scheduled an appointment a few days later to come in for an ultrasound to see how the eggs were maturing and how my ovaries were reacting. They had hoped that by the time I came in for my ultrasound my levels would be over 100 and I would have a mature egg. When my levels came back at 208 I nearly fainted! I was so excited that my body was responding so well to the drug. Now was the moment of truth....the ultrasound.
I was so nervous when I went in, who knows why. The ultrasound was not bad but it also wasn't great. We only had one mature egg. I was hoping for more, as were the Dr's, simply to increase our chance when we did the intra-uteral insemination ("IUI") but at least we had one.
At that point I was told to administer one more vial of FSH, do the HCG trigger shot on Fridayat 10:00 pm and Sunday morning we would go in for IUI.
The FSH shot that night wasn't bad, same as always, but the HCG shot on Friday was awful! It wasn't the shot that hurt it was the pain that came 5 minutes after. I had the worst shooting pain from the site of the injection into my belly button. As time passed the pain subsided but never went away.
The following day the site was still very sore and now had a red spot which turned into a bruise. When we went in for IUI on Sunday I asked the Dr. about it and she said it was normal. Regardless, how can one little shot hurt so bad??
Addicts in the Making....
After my scare of my first shot Dave and I decided it was probably best if he administered the shots from now on and I would just look away. Even though we were going to be in Vegas for 4 days I still had needed to do my injection every night. We made our plans around the injections. We knew that we had to be back at the room by 7:45 to get ready and administer the shots but then we could continue on with our night. It became relatively easy.
Saturday was a little more difficult. The whole reason we were in Vegas was for the Supercross finals which just so happened to start at 7:00 pm at Sam Boyd Stadium, 30 minutes away. We had no choice but to do our shots while we were at the races. I was willing to do them in the bathroom and give it a go myself but Dave did not feel comfortable with me doing that because if something happened I would have been in the bathroom alone. To make things easier we decided to do the shot out in the car.
Our car wasn't parked in the parking lot of the stadium. No....we were parked in front of a park! Here we were filling and drawing syringes and shooting up in a car...in front of a park. How awful!! At least we were in Vegas...
Man Down....
The moment has come...the day of my first injection. Dave and I were heading to Vegas the following day and needed to take Lola to my moms. The injections have to be given at the same time every day, 8:00 pm, so we packed up all our supplies and took them to my moms to do the injection there.
My mom came in to watch being the nosy person she is. Dave and I had the mixing down in no time. It wasn't the mixing I was concerned with anyway. I cleaned my belly and was ready to shoot. Easier said than done! I must have stood there for 10 minutes with my skin gathered in my fingers and the syringe in the other hand. Lets put it this way, I was standing there for so long my mom decided to go into the living room and watch TV.
The nerves never subsided and I knew that I just had to do it. Waiting wasn't going to make it any easier. I asked Dave to grab me a chair out of the dining room just in case I fainted. Without a blink I stuck the needle in to the left side of my stomach. I really don't think there was any pain but no matter how hard I pushed the plunger, the medication only came out super slow. I was down to 1/2ml left of medication. I was clammy and dizzy...it was only a matter of time before I went down like the titanic. It took everything in me to stay conscious just long enough to finish the injection.
When I started to come to I could feel Dave rubbing my shoulders and asking me if I was okay. I don't even remember giving him the needle but I knew I had finished my injection myself and must have handed it to him as I was fainting. I have never fainted so bad in my life. I have fainted several times and never felt as bad as I did this time. Usually I can hear what is going on around me and know I fainted when I come to. This time, I had no idea where I was, what happened or what was going on. It was the worst feeling.
Later my sweet and adoring husband told me "You know how I am terrified of The Exorcism?". Dave said that when I fainted my eyes rolled in the back of my head and my head went backwards. When my head came forward I was making this gurgling sound but was still out cold. Even after my eyes rolled back I was still out for a while. Apparently all of this reminded Dave of this movie and for a moment there he was scared shitless. So instead of being worried about his poor wife the man was ready to run!
I thought the nurse said no one ever fainted. There is a first for everything....
My mom came in to watch being the nosy person she is. Dave and I had the mixing down in no time. It wasn't the mixing I was concerned with anyway. I cleaned my belly and was ready to shoot. Easier said than done! I must have stood there for 10 minutes with my skin gathered in my fingers and the syringe in the other hand. Lets put it this way, I was standing there for so long my mom decided to go into the living room and watch TV.
The nerves never subsided and I knew that I just had to do it. Waiting wasn't going to make it any easier. I asked Dave to grab me a chair out of the dining room just in case I fainted. Without a blink I stuck the needle in to the left side of my stomach. I really don't think there was any pain but no matter how hard I pushed the plunger, the medication only came out super slow. I was down to 1/2ml left of medication. I was clammy and dizzy...it was only a matter of time before I went down like the titanic. It took everything in me to stay conscious just long enough to finish the injection.
When I started to come to I could feel Dave rubbing my shoulders and asking me if I was okay. I don't even remember giving him the needle but I knew I had finished my injection myself and must have handed it to him as I was fainting. I have never fainted so bad in my life. I have fainted several times and never felt as bad as I did this time. Usually I can hear what is going on around me and know I fainted when I come to. This time, I had no idea where I was, what happened or what was going on. It was the worst feeling.
Later my sweet and adoring husband told me "You know how I am terrified of The Exorcism?". Dave said that when I fainted my eyes rolled in the back of my head and my head went backwards. When my head came forward I was making this gurgling sound but was still out cold. Even after my eyes rolled back I was still out for a while. Apparently all of this reminded Dave of this movie and for a moment there he was scared shitless. So instead of being worried about his poor wife the man was ready to run!
I thought the nurse said no one ever fainted. There is a first for everything....
Shot Training...
After we completed the ultrasound we were cleared for shot training. This was the moment I had been waiting for but also dreading at the same time. There are several different types of shots that are used for infertility. They have a shot that looks like a pen. Each vial is loaded into the pen and all you have to do is press the top of it and it releases the medication without you having to see it or mix anything. Of course.... I didn't get that kind!
I have actual vials of medication that I need to mix with the dissolvant. There are different needles for mixing and administering. We practice with sample bottles and needles probably 10 times until we learn exactly how to mix the solution. All the steps:
Of course they do not have you inject yourself while in training so they let you inject a fake tummy. I told the nurse that I was known for fainting but she reassured me that they have never had anyone faint from their injections. Time to pick up our medication....
I have actual vials of medication that I need to mix with the dissolvant. There are different needles for mixing and administering. We practice with sample bottles and needles probably 10 times until we learn exactly how to mix the solution. All the steps:
- Wash your hands
- Remove 1 vial of dissolvant and one (or more depending on your Dr's orders) vial of Follicle Stimulating Hormone ("FSH")
- Take out one 22 gauge needle or Q-Cap (for mixing the medications), one syringe, one 30 gauge needle (for administering), two alcohol wipes and your disinfectant wipes.
- Clean your surface and take the safety caps off
- Clean the tops of each vial with a different corner of the alcohol wipe
- Open all of your supplies while your vials dry
- Place the Q-Cap or 22 gauge needle on the syringe and twist until you hear it tighten
- Draw 1 ml of air into the syringe
- Place the Q-Cap into the vial of dissolvant and push the air into the vial
- Turn the vial upside down and draw out more solution than necessary push the syringe back up to ensure you only get 1 ml of solution
- Remove syringe from the solution bottle and place it in the vial containing the FSH powder
- Inject all the solution into the FSH vial
- Swirl the vial on the counter for roughly 60 seconds top to mix the solution with the FSH powder
- Draw out all of the solution plus some air into the syringe and switch your needle to the 30 gauge administering needle
- Flick our any bubbles from the syringe, remove the cap, pull down on the plunger to get any excess liquid that got flicked up into the top of the needle and then push all of the medication up until a small drop comes out the top.
- Flick the drop off and recap
- Clean your stomach with an alcohol wipe where administering the injection
- Gather the skin
- Remove the cap and shoot
Of course they do not have you inject yourself while in training so they let you inject a fake tummy. I told the nurse that I was known for fainting but she reassured me that they have never had anyone faint from their injections. Time to pick up our medication....
1 month supply of needles, and medication =
Approximately $2,000
Potential Candidates....
After the HSG was completed I went home to rest up only to head back to the hospital for an ultrasound. Dave wasn't able to make it to the HSG in the morning but came home in the knick of time to go to the ultrasound.
When we were called into the room Dave went in first because I had to go to the restroom. When I cam back in the room I closed the door and went to take my pants off. The look on Dave's face...he stared at me and paused for second before asking "Amber!!!!! Are you supposed to be taking your pants off?" I looked at him with confusion and wondered how he thought they were going to see my ovaries. Maybe they were going to waive their magic hands over my stomach and be able to see everything inside. As I continued to get undressed I explained to Dave why it was necessary.
Before we got to the ovaries we saw the lining of my uterus. It was about as thick as a piece of paper, confirming my hypothalamic amenorrhea. When we panned over to the ovaries we saw all the little eggs in there. Is it strange that made me all weepy? You would have thought that I saw an ultrasound of my first child!! Both ovaries had eggs. Now we need to make them mature...
When we were called into the room Dave went in first because I had to go to the restroom. When I cam back in the room I closed the door and went to take my pants off. The look on Dave's face...he stared at me and paused for second before asking "Amber!!!!! Are you supposed to be taking your pants off?" I looked at him with confusion and wondered how he thought they were going to see my ovaries. Maybe they were going to waive their magic hands over my stomach and be able to see everything inside. As I continued to get undressed I explained to Dave why it was necessary.
Before we got to the ovaries we saw the lining of my uterus. It was about as thick as a piece of paper, confirming my hypothalamic amenorrhea. When we panned over to the ovaries we saw all the little eggs in there. Is it strange that made me all weepy? You would have thought that I saw an ultrasound of my first child!! Both ovaries had eggs. Now we need to make them mature...
Let the Fun Begin...
We finally started getting some answers and actually making progress in this not so fun adventure.
I went in for my hysterosalpingogram ("HSG") aka an x-ray of my fallopian tubes, not as uncomfortable as it sounds but still not my favorite thing. I checked into the hospital in the morning for prep. I was given an outfit that was similar to my Sunday best...two hospital gowns, one for each side. Attractive, I know! I was brought into my radiology room by the nicest nurse I have ever had. She was so positive and so kind.
Thankfully, Dr. Wong was administering the procedure that day. I was extremely nervous because I had heard about how much pain people were in during these procedures so I tried to make light of the moment and told Dr. Wong he needed to put pictures on the ceiling.
He had me scoot all the way down to the end of the table to insert the catheter. Once the catheter was in place, I laid all the way back onto the table and patiently waited for the injection of the dye. It was the strangest thing...I was laying on the table with this tube running out of me. The Dr. was holding a syringe that was attached to the catheter that contained the dye and walked into another room that was safe from radiation. I mean who has a tube hanging out of them that is so long the Dr. is holding the other end and walks into another room?!?!? Just awkward.
There was a monitor in the room next to me that allowed me to see my uterus and the dye as it was injected. He pulled the trigger and within a matte of seconds the right fallopian started to fill up and release the dye. The left was a little more stubborn but finally filled up as well. Success!!!!!
This isn't my HSG but it gives you an idea of what they look like:
Thankfully, Dr. Wong was administering the procedure that day. I was extremely nervous because I had heard about how much pain people were in during these procedures so I tried to make light of the moment and told Dr. Wong he needed to put pictures on the ceiling.
He had me scoot all the way down to the end of the table to insert the catheter. Once the catheter was in place, I laid all the way back onto the table and patiently waited for the injection of the dye. It was the strangest thing...I was laying on the table with this tube running out of me. The Dr. was holding a syringe that was attached to the catheter that contained the dye and walked into another room that was safe from radiation. I mean who has a tube hanging out of them that is so long the Dr. is holding the other end and walks into another room?!?!? Just awkward.
There was a monitor in the room next to me that allowed me to see my uterus and the dye as it was injected. He pulled the trigger and within a matte of seconds the right fallopian started to fill up and release the dye. The left was a little more stubborn but finally filled up as well. Success!!!!!
This isn't my HSG but it gives you an idea of what they look like:
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
If at First You Don't Succeed...
Two weeks after the shots came and went and yet there was still no period. Every day was a let down. I would go to the bathroom in hopes of starting my period and was crushed over and over again each time. I finally called the Dr. and let her know the news and asked where we go from here. We had been to other consultations and seminars and were given advice from other specialists as to what steps to take to finding out what was wrong. I knew that we needed to have my fallopian tubes x-rayed and also needed to have an ultrasound of my uterus and ovaries.
My Dr. however wanted to "just wait it out". She thought that we should wait 6 months to a year and see what happens and then we can reevaluate it at that point. ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? I was obviously not okay with this answer. I called the fertility clinic back and requested a second opinion.
Unfortunately there are only 3 fertility specialists in the department, so I guess I better like one of the other two. Both of the other Dr's have their own private practice where they do in-vitro fertilization ("IVF"). One of them is a woman who has had IVF done herself. The other is a male Dr who actually performed her IVF. I made my appointment with Dr. Wong....the one who has the track record of making it work :)
I went into Dr. Wong's office ready for fight for what I wanted. I was not going to sit there and take anything less than what I wanted done. I wanted answers. I sat down in the chair and before I could even say anything Dr. Wong said "Amber, what you have is hypothalamic amenorrhea and the only way to treat this is to put you on daily injectables. But before we waste our time with that I want to do x-rays and an ultrasound to rule out any other possibilities." Are you kidding?? Thats all I had to do, just sit there? I didn't have to fight, I didn't have to tell him my feelings or what I wanted. He knew what was wrong and how to fix it or at least had a plan.
He had also given me insight on hypothalamic amenorrhea. Apparently this is a problem that is out of my control, which some people didn't think was the case. This was not caused due to my exercise, my eating habits or because I am a stress case. Hypothalamic amenorrhea is caused by the hypothalamus. This portion of the brain that has many different functions one of which includes your production of estrogen.
Finally we are getting somewhere...
My Dr. however wanted to "just wait it out". She thought that we should wait 6 months to a year and see what happens and then we can reevaluate it at that point. ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? I was obviously not okay with this answer. I called the fertility clinic back and requested a second opinion.
Unfortunately there are only 3 fertility specialists in the department, so I guess I better like one of the other two. Both of the other Dr's have their own private practice where they do in-vitro fertilization ("IVF"). One of them is a woman who has had IVF done herself. The other is a male Dr who actually performed her IVF. I made my appointment with Dr. Wong....the one who has the track record of making it work :)
I went into Dr. Wong's office ready for fight for what I wanted. I was not going to sit there and take anything less than what I wanted done. I wanted answers. I sat down in the chair and before I could even say anything Dr. Wong said "Amber, what you have is hypothalamic amenorrhea and the only way to treat this is to put you on daily injectables. But before we waste our time with that I want to do x-rays and an ultrasound to rule out any other possibilities." Are you kidding?? Thats all I had to do, just sit there? I didn't have to fight, I didn't have to tell him my feelings or what I wanted. He knew what was wrong and how to fix it or at least had a plan.
He had also given me insight on hypothalamic amenorrhea. Apparently this is a problem that is out of my control, which some people didn't think was the case. This was not caused due to my exercise, my eating habits or because I am a stress case. Hypothalamic amenorrhea is caused by the hypothalamus. This portion of the brain that has many different functions one of which includes your production of estrogen.
Finally we are getting somewhere...
When Reality Sinks In...
Two weeks went by after stopping the progesterone and the sad sad reality sank in that I still did not have a period. After several Dr's appointments and consultations, we were now considered an infertility case.
The news was heart wrenching, devastating and took the breath right out of my lungs. How can this be? Dave and I have waited so long for this moment. We wanted everything to be right. We never gave in when people pressured us. We moved and bought a house for children. We researched schools. We have a list of baby names we have complied for years. We knew what room was going to be the nursery and had postponed redoing that room with hopes to change it soon anyway. How is this happening...to us??
This whole experience took me back to the way I felt when my dad was diagnosed with cancer and passed away shortly after. You always hear of people having fertility problems and going through crazy things to achieve the ultimate goal parenthood but you never think it would happen to you. I felt like I was always just telling people our story about our infertility but that it wasn't really happening to us.
We were referred to our first infertility specialist in March. Right from the get go we couldn't stand the woman, not the relationship you want to have with the person that may or may not hold your future in their hands, but continued with her recommendations...more progesterone and more blood work!
This time I wasn't lucky enough to take those devil pills...can you imagine me wishing I had those again? Oh no...this time I had to get two intra-muscular shots...one in each ass cheek! My wonderful, caring husband was there from the consult with the specialist all the way down to the shots. He sat there and laughed the whole time!! I am glad someone found humor from my pain!
As you can imagine, the hormones sank in again and my emotions went wild. Once again there was more crying, more pain and more suffering...
The news was heart wrenching, devastating and took the breath right out of my lungs. How can this be? Dave and I have waited so long for this moment. We wanted everything to be right. We never gave in when people pressured us. We moved and bought a house for children. We researched schools. We have a list of baby names we have complied for years. We knew what room was going to be the nursery and had postponed redoing that room with hopes to change it soon anyway. How is this happening...to us??
This whole experience took me back to the way I felt when my dad was diagnosed with cancer and passed away shortly after. You always hear of people having fertility problems and going through crazy things to achieve the ultimate goal parenthood but you never think it would happen to you. I felt like I was always just telling people our story about our infertility but that it wasn't really happening to us.
We were referred to our first infertility specialist in March. Right from the get go we couldn't stand the woman, not the relationship you want to have with the person that may or may not hold your future in their hands, but continued with her recommendations...more progesterone and more blood work!
This time I wasn't lucky enough to take those devil pills...can you imagine me wishing I had those again? Oh no...this time I had to get two intra-muscular shots...one in each ass cheek! My wonderful, caring husband was there from the consult with the specialist all the way down to the shots. He sat there and laughed the whole time!! I am glad someone found humor from my pain!
As you can imagine, the hormones sank in again and my emotions went wild. Once again there was more crying, more pain and more suffering...
And So it Begins....
Our first step in solving this mystery was to take a 10 day progesterone challenge and give a truck load of blood work. Progesterone is a hormone that our bodies normally produce. It allows the lining of the uterus to thicken. When the hormone is stopped the body sheds the lining, creating a period. The hopes of doing this is to kick your body back into sync. Sometimes our bodies need a little help to get things going.
Now as you can imagine, when you pump your body with foreign hormones you are asking for some crazy to come out, and boy did I have some! The 10 days of being on this miserable teeny tiny little pill was nothing short of a roller coaster ride.
During the derail of this emotional train, my cousin had her baby shower. Bad timing for my pills, I know! That morning I woke up and felt like I had been hit by a semi of emotions. I couldn't even get out of bed I was crying so hard and to make matters worse Dave was going out of town with all of the boys for a guys weekend of riding and shooting. Everything was working against me.
After 2 straight hours of laying on the floor crying like a child whose mom said she couldn't have candy, I pulled myself together, went to my mommas house, they always know best, and got ready for the shower there. I am so glad I pulled myself together enough to go. It was difficult and painful at times, knowing that my fertility was unknown, but it was a wonderful time that I wouldn't miss for the world...
Now as you can imagine, when you pump your body with foreign hormones you are asking for some crazy to come out, and boy did I have some! The 10 days of being on this miserable teeny tiny little pill was nothing short of a roller coaster ride.
During the derail of this emotional train, my cousin had her baby shower. Bad timing for my pills, I know! That morning I woke up and felt like I had been hit by a semi of emotions. I couldn't even get out of bed I was crying so hard and to make matters worse Dave was going out of town with all of the boys for a guys weekend of riding and shooting. Everything was working against me.
After 2 straight hours of laying on the floor crying like a child whose mom said she couldn't have candy, I pulled myself together, went to my mommas house, they always know best, and got ready for the shower there. I am so glad I pulled myself together enough to go. It was difficult and painful at times, knowing that my fertility was unknown, but it was a wonderful time that I wouldn't miss for the world...
When There is Smoke, There is Fire....
I know that many people try to conceive for a quite a while before having success so I tried not to be dissapoited the first few months. After several negative pregnancy tests and finally paying attention to the red flag that had not just been waving in my face but was practically on fire, I called the Dr. to make a routine appointment.
In February of 2011 I went to my OB to discuss starting family and just to make sure everything was fine. There was one bit of information that seemed to concern her, but not too much. For the last two and a half years I have not had a period. Yes, I know...I am stupid for not doing anything about it earlier or thinking anything of it but really...who's going to complain about not having a period?? The Dr. didn't seem overly concerned. She said that being on the pill for so long can often cause women to lose their periods but it will start back up shortly after stopping.
Two weeks after my appointment I got a call from the Dr. stating that my pap came back with abnormal cell growth. As you can imagine I freaked out. What if I had cancer? It does run in my family. My mom had had precancerous cells on her cervix when she was younger...what if it was happening to me now?
Two looooong weeks later I went in for my biopsy. I remember the Dr. walking in the room and asking me if I had any questions. Do I have any questions? Are you kidding! I had like a million questions but none could come out at that moment. I quietly told her yes and then immediately started balling. I told her my fears of this affecting our chance of conceiving. She reassured me that the abnormal cell growth should not affect that. She went on and completed the more than painful biopsies and wrapped everything up with follow-up questions.
When we got to the question about my cycle she wasn't as positive and upbeat as she was earlier. She let me know her concerns and also her approach to trying to solve the mystery problem...
In February of 2011 I went to my OB to discuss starting family and just to make sure everything was fine. There was one bit of information that seemed to concern her, but not too much. For the last two and a half years I have not had a period. Yes, I know...I am stupid for not doing anything about it earlier or thinking anything of it but really...who's going to complain about not having a period?? The Dr. didn't seem overly concerned. She said that being on the pill for so long can often cause women to lose their periods but it will start back up shortly after stopping.
Two weeks after my appointment I got a call from the Dr. stating that my pap came back with abnormal cell growth. As you can imagine I freaked out. What if I had cancer? It does run in my family. My mom had had precancerous cells on her cervix when she was younger...what if it was happening to me now?
Two looooong weeks later I went in for my biopsy. I remember the Dr. walking in the room and asking me if I had any questions. Do I have any questions? Are you kidding! I had like a million questions but none could come out at that moment. I quietly told her yes and then immediately started balling. I told her my fears of this affecting our chance of conceiving. She reassured me that the abnormal cell growth should not affect that. She went on and completed the more than painful biopsies and wrapped everything up with follow-up questions.
When we got to the question about my cycle she wasn't as positive and upbeat as she was earlier. She let me know her concerns and also her approach to trying to solve the mystery problem...
Monday, May 23, 2011
Catching Up...
We all think that life will work out as we plan. I thought I did everything right and took all the correct steps for a good life. Of course we all make mistakes here and there but in the end I thought I did okay. Dave and I started dating in 2003, still in high school, and seeing as we were foolish teenagers we decided that moving in together at the "mature" age of 18 was a grand idea. We got engaged shortly after and started planning my dream wedding. June 10, 2006 I married my best friend. Life from then till now has been nothing short of a roller coaster.
Against all my wishes, Dave and I looked for homes outside of Orange County. After much persuasion we both agreed that if we wanted the big house with the big back yard and room for a family, all while being affordable too, we would have to venture out of our comfort zone. Almost a year into our search and after a long fight, we found the home of our dreams. In 2009 we bought our first house!!
Now as you can imagine, we have received flack for not having kids. I mean, we have been together for 8 years and for quite some time we were the only ones in the family that were married. We never gave in though. No matter how hard we were hounded we knew that we wanted to wait for the right time for us, like there is a right time, right??
After the birth of our handsome nephew, Levi, and the announcement of our cousin's expected baby, we decided our time had come to make a family of our own. In December of 2010 the trying began...
Against all my wishes, Dave and I looked for homes outside of Orange County. After much persuasion we both agreed that if we wanted the big house with the big back yard and room for a family, all while being affordable too, we would have to venture out of our comfort zone. Almost a year into our search and after a long fight, we found the home of our dreams. In 2009 we bought our first house!!
Now as you can imagine, we have received flack for not having kids. I mean, we have been together for 8 years and for quite some time we were the only ones in the family that were married. We never gave in though. No matter how hard we were hounded we knew that we wanted to wait for the right time for us, like there is a right time, right??
After the birth of our handsome nephew, Levi, and the announcement of our cousin's expected baby, we decided our time had come to make a family of our own. In December of 2010 the trying began...
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