I know I haven't been very good at updating this thing lately. That's for a few reasons. One I have been busy at work. Two I have been busy cheering my fellow infertility friends on in our forum. Three I have been building relationships and surrounding myself with others who are going through the same things in an effort to comfort myself and have a support group that really understands what I am going through. And last but not least, I have been trying to digest what's going on in my body and my life.
Since the last cycle which resulted in a big fat negative, I have started up injections again and attacking this monster head on. I had a different attitude this time. I told myself, everyone, my body, and the man upstairs that THIS was my time to shine. THIS was my cycle and THIS time I will end up with a big fat positive! I have had several conversations with my body (I know your thinking I've officially lost my mind this time) about how well we are going to do this time. It seemed to be working.
I started injections again last Wednesday and went in for my first E2 (estrogen) levels on Monday. My levels came in at 163....great strong start!!! They asked me to come back Tuesday for more blood and an ultrasound to see how those babies were cooking. Tuesday the levels increased to 185 and the ultrasound showed 6 follicles maturing nicely and evenly. They were ranging from 7-11mm in size (fully natured is roughly 18mm) and none seemed to be hogging the food (estrogen).
In an effort to keep me from hyper stimulating again we reduced my meds from 1.5 vials a day to 1 vial and return today (2 days later) to see.how it was producing. She was really iffy about keeping me at 1 and was actually contemplating dropping me all the way down to 0.5 vials but didn't want to have me suddenly drop. She said keeping me at 1 should be fine and IF I did start to hyper stimulate they should be able to catch it in two days.
Well... I went in this morning for my E2 labs and like clock work I got the email around 9:45 from kaiser saying I had new lab results ready. I rushed over to KP.org in a frantic to see the results. I was hoping it wasn't something like 500 validating hyper stimulation! Little did I know I hoped a little too much maybe. When I logged on and saw that my labs went from 164 to 185 and then took a major dump to 123 my heart sank. It felt like I was trying to swallow a bowling ball. I obviously instantly panicked but tried to calm myself until I had proof from the ultrasound this afternoon. That ended up not really helping though.
When the Dr walked in she said neither one of us could say a word to each other until she was completed with my ultrasound. She must have known the anxiety festering inside of me without me even having to say a word. I agreed to her rules.... against my will.
This isn't my first rodeo and I know my way around an ultrasound like no body's business. You would never guess I was in commercial real estate and not the medical field :) We started with the right...as always. From what I could see there was only one mature follie. I kept quiet though and waited. On the left....absolutely nada.
I was devastated. I took a major spiral down and lost all of them but one f. I don't understand why I am being tortured like this!! The Dr said when she saw my numbers she assumed this was a likely possibility. Apparently the other follicles all got together and had dinner the other night and decided they no longer wanted to participate in the game this go. They gave all of their estrogen to "big mamma" who has now taken the lead and is hogging it all to herself. She is at 15mm....a great size but still only ONE none the less.
We upped my dosage to 1.5 vials again in efforts to keep the one viable. I will return Saturday for another round of E2's and a new ultrasound to determine my fait for this.cycle.
I cried the whole drive back to work. I feel defeated. I am scared for a number of reasons. One I think about last cycle and having had 5 eggies....5 of them and not one of them took. If I couldn't do it with those chances how am I going to be able to now? And two I am scared to use and lose another cycle on one follicle. I only have a number of IUI (artificial insimination and medication) before they cut me off, apologize immensely, and wish me the best of luck with IVF. What do I do?!?!?!
I feel I need a friend and some serious comfort so bad. Dave tries and is really good at calming me down but to be quite frank he doesn't seem as passionate about this as I am. He wants a child badly but is totally ok with it being just the two of us if it doesn't work out. Your probably thinking to yourself that's the best and most romantic thing you have heard and yes, it is but I want a baby and a family with him. I want us to create a life out of the love we have for one another. I want us to.be old and gray sitting in out.rocking chairs watching our.grandchildren torment their parents as bad as we did ours. I married the man of my dreams and I want to share our love by creating a life. But I also want him to be as miserable about the situation as I am right now. Yes, I know I sound like such a brat right now but its just how I feel.
I guess only time will tell how this chapter unfolds. So until Saturday and until I have been proven otherwise, I am going to keep telling myself it only takes one good egg to make our miracle baby...
