I must have sat here for 10 minute thinking about what to write. There are times in the day when the thoughts flow freely and writing seems effortless but now is not one of those times. I tend to hit a wall and not post anything because my mind is simply blank. I think this is a result of over stimulating my mind with everything that is going on. I find I spend a lot of my time on the fertility forum I had spoken of previously and talking to the amazing friends I have already made from there. They never sit in silence when I complain or vent and they cheer you on when you feel you can no longer root for your self. Its a great support and I am thankful to have stumbled across it.
This weekend was particularly rough. Your probably scratching your head thinking, what...more than normal? Well the answer to that is yes. This weekend was more rough than normal, or at least just as bad as the rest! We had an appointment on Saturday for more blood work and another ultrasound. Dave wanted to go. He hasn't been able to attend one visit this cycle due to his work schedule but I wanted him to stay home and sleep in. The man works the most insane hours you can imagine. Why should he get up at 6:00 to attend an appointment I can just come home and tell him about? I knew that when the alarm went off in the morning, he wouldn't wake up so I snuck out of the house before I disturbed him.
My levels on Saturday were up to 203. Quite a jump from the crash to 123. But regardless still only showed the one follicle. We had six just a few days past. How did we lose all but one and how is that fair? I guess I should be grateful that one hang on but now it seems to have stopped growing. We are upping the dose again in an attempt to kick start it again and get it to that mature size we need.
Shockingly enough that wasn't the worst of the worst from the appointment. When talking to the Dr and expressing my concerns, she too had her own. She fears there is something else going on in there that is keeping the egg and the sperm from joining. They don't know what it would be and can't really fix it with any other way than IVF where they actually fertilize the egg themselves. She is fearful we are headed down that road...not as much as I am of course.
Dave and I had a bbq to go to that day as well. I cried when I got home, I cried on the drive to Long Beach while we argued the whole time about money and affording this nightmare. I cried when I got to my moms. I'm a big blubbering idiot all because I don't know how on earth we will ever have children if we have to pay $15,000 for one IVF treatment...
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