My Favorite Words...

There is nothing that brings me more comfort than hearing someone tell me "there are plenty of people out there going through the same thing" and "sorry but your not the only one that's had to deal with this". While I am fully aware that I am not the only person in the world going through this, my pain isn't subsided by this....especially when it comes from someone who is currently expecting a baby they never planned or intended having.

There is no easy way to approach this problem.  Nothing less than a healthy happy baby is going to make me feel better but people don't seem to understand that.  It is very hard for someone who has not gone through this to understand the pain, or even imagine it for that matter.  No one in their right mind would walk up to a person that as terminally ill with cancer and ask them to feel better just because they aren't alone.  Nor would you walk up to a man in a wheel chair who was paralyzed and tell them that there are lots of others out there who can't walk either. 

I could not imagine what life would be like if I was paralyzed and could not walk so how can I truly empathize with someone who is in that situation?  I can't, that's the truth but what I can do is be understanding and caring and try to feel their pain.  This is no different...I did not ask to be in this situation, I did not think this is how my life would go, my hope and dreams and all I have planned for are riding on this but even still I am trying with all my might to make the most of life and am trying to be as okay as possible.  That is easier said that done though. 

On the bright side of life...I watched my 6 month old nephew over the weekend while his parents went to Vegas.  It was amazing.  Life with a baby was so much fun.  The smiles and giggles he gave brought so much warmth to my heart.  Giving him back was a little hard simply because I wanted to keep him forever!  My house was quiet again...something current mothers are wishing they could have.  I am so grateful I got to have the time with him that I did.  The middle of the night fussing from cutting a tooth was honestly a joy to deal with.  They are so pure, so sweet, they have not one mean bone in their body, no ill thought, they have yet to be corrupted by society and the troubles of life...they are truly a blessing and a gift.... 

Feast or Famine…

I can’t seem to hit a happy medium.  My blood levels have been all over the place.  This cycle has not been as smooth as the last.  Just in the last 10 days I have had my blood drawn 6 times, 5 ultrasounds, and had 16 different needles in me, that’s not even my whole cycle this time either….just 10 days!!  I started off my cycle with with my estrodial levels at 45.  I was using 1.5 vials of FSH this time vs the 1 last cycle to hopefully produce more eggs.  My levels got into the 80’s by my first blood draw.  Then the one after that randomly dropped to 52.  In an attempt to increase them again we increased my dosage from 1.5 vials to 2, which I preferred.  Mixing the solution to make 1.5 vials sucks.  You actually have to pay attention, add and subtract…I don’t want to deal with that.  There’s already too much going on when you are mixing as it is.  Anyway…my levels had increased and were responding nicely to the 2 vials.  Last Friday I had increased to 266 …getting close to having matured eggs!  Yesterday I went in for more blood work.  If my levels were up high enough the Dr’s would have me come in today for an ultrasound.  Well…my levels were at 1108 defiantly up.  After I saw the blood results the nurse called me in a panic, told me to stop my shots and to come in this morning for more blood and an ultrasound to make sure everything was okay. 

The ultrasound didn’t go exactly as I had hoped and planned but I am happier with this result than the prior cycle.  We started with the right ovary, like always: 1 egg….2 eggs….3 eggs….4 eggs….5 eggs…was there something wrong with the ultrasound wand, am I just seeing tons of tiny eggs…what the heck is going on here!  On to the left side, this side is stubborn and didn’t produce last time: 1 egg….2 eggs….maybe a 3^rd too????  I didn’t really know what was going on because she wasn’t saying much at first.  I think she was so quiet because she was shocked and amazed…and soon I was too. We have 7 eggs.  7 eggs!!  She made an executive decision, and apologized immensely, to terminate the cycle. I won’t be the next octomom but I also won’t be conceiving this time around. 

It’s been so long since I have had a period or had hormones like this running through my body, I don’t remember what your body is supposed to feel like.  M boobs are so swollen, I feel like I am having problems keeping them in my bra comfortably and my nipples hurt to touch.  I asked the Dr. if this is what normal people feel like or if something is going on with me.  Apparently this is what all you women go through each month…I am sorry!! My body isn’t use to having the hormones and is just responding to them.  It feels strange whatever it is!

I have mixed emotions about this cycle.  I am thrilled that my body produced that many eggs but I am also sad that nothing will come of it.  I am concerned that we will not ever get that many again too which will make it virtually impossible to conceive like the last cycle.  Against my wishes, I grabbed a handful of condoms from the Dr.’s office.  I am tempted to poke pine holes in them but Dave has already threatened me should I tamper with them!!  In 2-3 weeks I should start my period, we will start the shots all over again and hope for a happy medium….



I Should Be Sleeping...

It's almost 10:30 and I know I should be sleeping. My mind is so weighed down. I am so stressed and overwhelmed my chest is heavy. I'm sure I sound like a broken record but these feelings overwhelm me at times.

Things have been going ok. We started my shots again and increased the dosage to a vial and a half a day. I went for my blood work and ultrasound on Saturday and my levels were up from 45 to 84, things were looking positive. The ultrasound didn't say much as you normally can't see follicle growth until your estrogen levels are over 100. Per the Dr's orders I had continued with vial and a half, in hopes to produce more than one egg this time, and had another appointment for more blood and another ultrasound today.
I should have known that today was going to be a bad day when I woke up ay 6:27 and needed to be out of the house by 6:30 in order to make it to the lab by 7:00. I don't know what it is but I am always tired lately. Correction...I know exactly why. This medication makes me extremely nauseous, dizzy and tired so if I am not one I am another.  I rushed out the house and thankfully made it to the lab on time, no make up and barely brushed teeth. I gave my donation of blood and went on my merry way to work.
At roughly 9:30 I got an email stating my tests results were in. I scurried to the internet as fast as possible in hopes to see my elevated levels. Unfortunately my excitement ended rather abruptly when I saw my levels had dropped from the 84 to 52. My throat was in my stomach. Why is this happening? I called the Dr to see of I even needed to come in for my ultrasound considering my levels were so low and my assumptions were correct.

With a tight throat and tears in my eyes I asked the nurse why this was happening to me, what was going on and what it meant. I was given the standard answer lately, its because of my hypothalamic amenorrhea. I am so sick of that its not even funny. I guess I should be grateful that my body has even responded to the.medication given my circumstances but honestly that's hard to do when you are the one in the situation. I try to be as positive as I can, I promise, but you walk a day in my shoes and see how your spirits are at the end of that day.

In attempts to bring my levels up, we are now doing 2 vials a night. I have another follow up appointment on Friday for more blood work, how do I even have any left to give, and hopefully an ultrasound. Now I just wait and continue to pray. Maybe I'll be able to sleep now that all of this is off my chest....

As Tension Builds...

It goes without saying, things are a little more stressful for us right now than normal.  As I sit here writing this Dave is upstairs in the shower cooling down from an argument.  It seems to be common lately so I am not entirely surprised.  The tension in the house is so thick sometimes you could cut it with a knife.

We will argue about anything these days.  We are arguing over things that we are on the same side of. We argue about small insignificant things. I think we could argue about wich way the wind is blowing...ANYTHING!!!!!

At this moment we are arguing because I told him he made me feel stupid when he laughed at me for something I said. And Dave being well...Dave of course got all pissed off. 30 minutes have passed and he finally. Now I don't know if its for the sake is ending the argument or simply because he is actually sorry. That we will never know!

Its petty little arguments like this though. Things that would normally never come up or be a problem are now a huge issue.  Im going nuts I tell ya!  I know all of this is caused from the stress of the situation we are in but I'm tired of it. It doesn't help that there are people in our lives that aren't making things any easier on us and causing more arguments and more problems.

Ugh, I need a stiff drink...

Back at it...

Why was I begging to have a period again?  This sucked.  I think I forgot what it was like and what to expect.  I had to call my girlfriend on Saturday to confirm I wasn't spotting, I think that was just wishful thinking.

Yesterday, Monday, I get a call from the Dr. telling me I had to come in that day for an ultrasound to ensure my ovaries were still looking good so I can start shots again.  I rushed to the Dr.'s office at lunch to take a peak inside an to have my blood work done.  Everything looked good in the ultrasound.  The blood work came back and my estrogen and FSH levels were low, I'm not surprised considering I haven't been on the hormone for 2 weeks.  Last cycle I was using 1 vial of medication per night.  This time I have been upped to 1.5 vials a day in hopes to create more than 1 mature follicle.  Do you think they will up me to 4 vials just to be safe this time?  If I turned out to be octo-mom I would be okay with that, I would just keep the pick of the litter and give the rest out as Easter gifts.

The shot last night wasn't very pleasant, I didn't faint so that is a plus.  It was just uncomfortable, more so than last time.  It burned as it was being injected and stung for a while after.  My guess would be that since I am now using 1.5 vials of medication and still only 1ml of disolvant, the solution is more concentrated.  It's part of the game though.  I will endure the pain because it will all be worth it in the end, I hope.

I have an appointment Saturday morning with my regular Dr. for another ultrasound and more blood work.  Told you I was always there.  I plan on asking him if its common that the artificial insemination doesn't take on the first try, if the fact that my estrogen level dropping back into the 40's so quickly has anything to do with it not taking, if there was something I did that may have caused it to not work, and if there is anything I can do to help this work.

My hopes are up and down.  I am trying to stay positive but its hard when the last round didn't take.  I have to keep reminding myself that I still have two more tries though.  I find that it hits me at the most random of times, well to be honest it feels more like all the time.  I see so many people who are pregnant that are uploading pictures of their "baby bump" or ultrasound pictures to facebook.  While I am happy for them, and they have every right to do that, it just kills me.  My skin is thin right now.  I am doing all I can do get through this.  The next month is going to be long, as was the last, but I am hoping this time I have a different outcome...