Yesterday was a really hard day for me. I was good for most of the day and was thankfully distracted by all my shows on Tivo in the evening. For some reason I was having a hard time though. I have been doing so good so I don’t really understand where the sudden stress is coming from. Dave thinks it’s because we are getting closer and closer to Tuesday which could be true.
There was a stupid commercial that came out about 10 times during the Idol finale. I believe it was for AT&T Uverse or something like that. It was very pregnant woman and her husband going from room to room as she was trying to get comfortable and watch T.V. She is obviously uncomfortable and changes rooms probably 5 times before she finally is happy. I was drawn to this commercial in the way you are drawn to a train wreck. You know you shouldn’t watch but at the same time you can't turn away. I fast forward through all the commercials when watching Tivo but stopped at this one each time. Why must I torture myself? There was a time that I would look at pregnant women and feel bad for them and thank the stars above I was not miserable like they seemed at that moment but now, now I would give anything to be miserably uncomfortable.
I let Dave know I was stressed out but he is a man, he doesn’t really get it. A counselor that specializes with couples going through infertility had told us that men and women deal with this differently. Women think about it every minute of every day, which is true, and men only really think about it when it is brought to their attention, also true. It becomes frustrating and in moments of weakness you tend to think that they ac this way because they just don’t care.
I tried to shake off the feeling and was managing pretty well considering, thanks to the T.V., but that all went out the window as soon as I went to bed. As soon as my head to touch the pillow I started crying. All my feelings and questions came running back. Why us? Why do some people get to have this and they don’t even try nor need a baby? I want so badly to carry and hold my baby it makes my chest heavy just thinking about it. Yes, I know…stressing and thinking about it doesn’t help. I vented to David. I did the usual accusations, telling him he does not care or want all of this as much as I do. I ended up crying myself to sleep.
I know now that I was in the wrong for lashing out on him, and I apologized for it, but it just becomes so overwhelming at times. Today my chest still feels heavy and my mind is bogged down. I have a lot of things changing lately that will hopefully help take my mind off of everything a little. Tomorrow I start at my new office and we have a nice long 3 day weekend coming up. Hopefully this will help pass the time. All I knw right now is that Tuesday sure can't come fast enough….
No comments:
Post a Comment