Where do I even start? Friday I called the Dr. to confirm the test day and time. I didn't know if it mattered if I tested in the morning or any other time. After telling the nurse my reason for concern, Tuesday I had to go to work and didn't feel like not being able to focus from possible disappointing news. After she had looked at the IUI date and the counted out the days she had said that I was actually able to test on Monday should I choose to do so. What a sigh of relief...I was now 1 day closer to getting some answers.
This morning, Saturday, I woke up early to prepare for my birthday hike with my girlfriends. Two days to go...wooohoooo. How quickly the roof collapsed on that excitement. When I went to the bathroom I wiped and was spotting. I couldn't believe this. I woke David up to let him know but continued to get dressed. I was breaking inside but also trying to keep a stuff upper lip. I shed a few tears and told him it was only spotting and not to get too disappointed yet.
I went off to my hike, trying not to let the thoughts bog me down, not to mention he first 7.75 miles were all hill and grueling. When we reached the top of Sitton Peak we stopped and had a snack. The views were amazing and simply breathtaking but my mind was preoccupied. All I could think about was if my spotting had changed to full force. To ease my mind, like an idiot, I borrowed a towelette and snuck off to tinkle behind a bush. Did I mention what a stupid idea this was? Just as I feared, just as my worst nightmare had been, there it was...a period. This is the one thing I had been hoping for over the last 2.5 years and now it was the death of my dream. I cried a few tears on the way back but tried to hold my composure. I wanted nothing more than to be done with that 13.6 mile hike and be back in my car where I could cry like there was no tomorrow.
I know I shouldn't be this disappointed, hell even I said that I wasn't going to be and that I was prepared for more shots. There was only a 6% chance of this working but I put all my dreams in that 6% .
I thought that I had out cried myself on my last emotional break down, thats what I get for thinking. I cried on the staircase for at least 2 hours. I'm crushed, I'm devastated, I'm confused, I'm heartbroken. Why us? I'm beating a dead horse asking but, why? The wind has been taken out of my sails, the air out of my lungs. I feel like I am dying inside. It's not the end of the road, I know that. We still have two more tries but that's only two instead of three and I just failed at one.
I guess I just need to buck up, pull up the straps on my boots, put on my big girl panties and just deal with it. Its life, it sucks...a lot. So I will put on a smile, go back to the Dr., pick up more medication, more needles and prepare to become a walking pin cushion for another month. On to the next round...
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